2008 #52 - End of An Accountability Era

So this is it. My final exam. I have about four ideas for how to do this. I could do all four, but the post would be very long, and it's going to be long however I go about it. Maybe i'll just keep going and see where it takes me.

I'd like to explain why I think it's fine to stop doing this. There's nothing noble about it. I am stopping simply because it's not achieving what it originally set out to achieve. It got me blogging more, which was a definite goal, but as far as accountability being the main driver went.. well, it didn't go anywhere.

I would find myself writing about my overindulgence, or lack of exercise on countless occasions. It really didn't make me force myself to behave better. It created the shame, but not enough to drive change, hence it just made me feel slightly less good. Does this mean that sweet denial is better? Of course not. My motivation and procrastination problems are clear and have been since school. Back then only fear drove me to succeed. Nothing ever really replaced that.

I once wrote software. Not huge projects, but bigger than anything i've written outside work in the last ten years. This was a passion thing. Passion things seem to get muted by the inevitable realisation of the small fish-ed-ness that I and most others go though. Back when I coded some absolutely fantastic doors and even a doorkit for RemoteAccess BBS's, I was still a small fish, but the pond was smaller. That was one hell of a niche. My interests now aren't niche, and consequently doing anything impressive is much harder. Why is the song I vowed to finish mixing to perfection in late 2007 still remaining as non-final in late 2008? Because I want it to be impressive. I want it to sound like a polished piece of music that I can play in ten more years and rather than lament the quality, appreciate it having stood the test of time. When I go back and look at my BBS work, it does look impressive. Clearly I put a lot more time and effort into that than I put into my projects now.

Reading the first "2008" post is a good jumping off point. What was the idea behind this, and will I lose anything now that i'm stopping?

Side note - I have written probably 20 of these on my laptop keyboard. I made the stupid mistake of removing the ? key some time ago and unlike another key that once jumped off, i've never managed to reattach it properly. It is very annoying. Unless you absolutely have to, never remove keys from your laptop. There is absolutely a right way to remove and fix these keys, but it's not easy, and the pieces do break!

So, part one said "how do I track progress if I don't record goals"? This was wide of the mark and actually made no sense. I'm not recording the goals, i'm recording what I do in and around trying to meet the goals.

The original list was blurted bullets.. How I drank too much coffee in 2007 and how I'd limit myself... Cutting out the vending machine... Eating loads of fruit... Tuna lunch with alternative pasta... One game of fake poker on a weekday... Watch two films a week, reconsider Blockbuster subscription... Take camera everywhere, don't let a week pass without taking photos... Buy two new work shirts... Review the list every week.... Write a new song every month... Meet existing work goals to reach next grade... Talk to people in positions at work i'd like to be in... Make final decision on whether to pursue management... Commit to three times a week exercise schedule... Research whether I could get similar jobs to mine in other companies... See if there's work I would enjoy away from a computer screen....Decide where to live, make the move... Don't let a week go by without contacting a friend....

One thing I like in reviewing this original list is that nothing surprised me. There's nothing in there that I forgot all about. It all had good reasoning, and a lot of it got done or improved. Some of it improved then fell away.

About a month on from that I shortened, numbered and categorised the goals into easy and challenging. I can't believe I watched Event Horizon in February. That's the first "wow this year flew by" moment I've had this year. Largely, this year felt like a year. In those early days the really difficult goal was writing a monthly song, which was later revised. My grand total of songs created this year is around four, but I love them all. Much rather that than produce another eight that were churned out to fill a quota.

After a weak start on exercising I really got into it for a while. In May I rewrote the goals to include reasoning.. A reminder of why I should care whether I met them or not. That was during the period of eight goals, categories now being gone. Things moved along quite nicely. The summer hit and I took a few short breaks, things started to go downhill.

By September I was admitting the lacking in the reviews in the posts themselves. In early October I vowed to reconnect with the goals and spent three days constructing a thorough review, culminating in a shrink down to six goals that I felt needed the most focus, rewriting (or watering down) those that remained arguably to avoid needlessly denying myself flexibility.

In November I found myself talking of my all year low motivation. Clearly the retooling hadn't changed much. Much like my cycles theory (my favorite post of the year, not a "2008" post) one or two neglected goals were dragging down my opinion on all the goals. Many of them continued to do just fine. This was around the time my commute shrank and life improved. Work was going well, etc etc. Really only the lack of exercise was getting me down. This is pretty much how things have concluded in December.

Let's look at the goals, first those that made it to the end:

1. I will eat in moderation at all routine meals. The majority of my meals will be essentially healthy. When I snack or overindulge, I will specifically redress the balance later. I will also drink caffeine based drinks in moderation. At the end of a week, if I feel my intake has been too high, the goal has not been met, and I will state this.

The majority of meals I eat at home are what I consider healthy, but I could do more. My tendency to cook the same meal over and over again, not just now week after week or month after month, but year after year, is an interesting one. I do like it, but it's not amazingly healthy. Nothing that tastes that good can be that good, nutritionally. I still have the desire to cook more than I do. So much is easy that I don't do. So much that is very easy of course, I do do (hmm). Takeaway happens too often. It's probably fair to say that every takeaway is an overindulgence. I'd like to perhaps get back to a position in which takeaway is a treat rather than a regularity. The only part of this that i'm not worried about is caffeine intake. I do drink coffee at work, and tea at home. They're fuel, and I drink them in moderation. I've tried cutting back to nothing, and I think i'm better off with them in my life. Moderation is key.

2. I will not spent extended periods of time focussed on one form of entertainment. If one form of entertainment has consumed an evening or weekend then I have failed. I will vary it, and ensure that I don't neglect the mind expanding.

This is a very recently updated goal, but it tends to stand for something and sticking to it has largely kept me happier. I have had the last week off work. In that time I have made sure that no two days are entirely similar, even though i've been away from work. It's made it last and it's made it interesting. I'll continue to keep this in mind certainly.

3. I will talk to people. People I know will not feel I am ignoring them. People I don't know will not forever be people I don't know. If they do, or they are, I have failed. Why all this? Because spending any extended period of time alone is a terrible idea, and the more you initiate, the less likely that is to happen.

I remain determined to continue with this. I've been a little better lately but I still need to become more comfortable, as I was a few years ago.

4. I will apply myself to my work. Why? Because all career uncertainty aside, if I'm doing something, I must be doing it well, plus it's the only way I will continue to advance in my current career.

5. I will continue to rethink my career inside and outside my current role weekly. Why? Because I don't want to find myself realising I am on a career treadmill and nothing more. I must ensure what I do is meaningful to me, and ideally others. This doesn't inherently necessitate change, just frequent consideration.

I've never mashed these two together in the past, but they clearly do relate so summarising them together makes sense. My recent enjoyment of my work has made option five less relevant, but the nagging thought that it shouldn't have been so career-centric stays with me. "I will continue to rethink the direction of my life" wasn't specific enough, but it might have got me to think a bit more about making some changes. There are options available to me - sabbaticals and the like, if I want to travel. Now is a bad time, and i'm happy to wait a bit longer, but the risk is I wait forever. I'm gradually filling my home with "stuff". It's mostly not crap. Laptop, TV and guitar are my biggest buys. Each one links into a passion of mine. A piano is, once again, potentially next on my list, and that would be similar. Other items are an amp and speakers, again, with a good founding. Not just stuff for the sake of stuff. Right now I can afford most of what I want, so I buy it. Eventually i'll have everything I want, and then i'll really need to figure out what to do next. The meaning of life isn't earning money to buy stuff. Buying stuff is getting harder also. How does that tie into this goal? Hard to be entirely clear, but the point I suppose is that I could get by earning a lot less money than I do now. I wouldn't be able to buy everything I wanted, but I might be happier doing something else. I still don't know if I've considered this enough, and so I won't stop considering it.

6. I will find the time to manage a 3 times a week exercise schedule. Why? Much like the eating, it's about long term health gains and short term physical gain. Lose a little weight. Tone up a bit.

I've failed on this one, no question. It's probably been my most active year since i've lived alone, but compared to any other year before these last few probably not so. My friend has recently started biking to work about 6 miles away. I used to bike to school 3 miles away. This I did in the bleak of winter. Three days ago I went for a ride with my in ears in my ears and my ears hurt so much from the cold I simply had to remove them. Now even cycling is less paletable, because having the on board entertainment was a huge part of the fun. My weight bench continues to lie dormant in my kitchen. I've been talking of it as if building up to using it for months now. Using it is certainly a good idea. I don't want to rule that out. Long term I need to exercise. Looking at my grandmother, harsh as it is to say it, I don't want to live past 90, but at the same time, I wouldn't mind hitting 70. Kicking the bucket at the optimal moment is a fraught topic which at 28 i'm too young to be thinking too hard about. I suppose the point is, if exercise will get me to 70 but not too far beyond, it's worth doing. If doing what I do now gets me there anyway, which honestly it could, it's still worth it. I do remember being thinner and more toned, and there is associated self esteem. I could do with it.

So, done the basics, done the final goals. How to conclude? We've already talked about the relative success or failure of this project. That's the wrong focus - this is about me, not the method.

It's a year later. Has it been a good year? It's been the most eye opening time of my life, no question. The things that I had accepted would start to change as others around me moved on with their lives cemented themselves this year, though much of that kicked off in 2007. I am now essentially the last hanger on in the old town. I have a small disparate group of local friends, all but one of whom I only see occasionally, and a similar sized group of other friends dotted anywhere between 40 miles away and 2000 miles away. Faced with the realisation that I really don't need to be in Leicester anymore, I now realise that it's the most sensible place to be for work. That was the big event of 2008 for me - Clawing a bit of my life back from commuting. The only way I could shorten the commute now would be to move closer to Hinckley. As you move below the ten mile band, the time gained becomes less significant. It took me almost as long to get across Leicester to work back in 2002 as it does to do the stretch between Leicester and Hinckley now. By no accident, I am ideally poised. I have come to dislike my immediate locality and i'm still thinking of moving, but I doubt i'd move far. I can see a less central location in the future, but not yet. A friend moved to Anstey a while back and whilst his reasoning was very solid, I don't think he finds the living there part as enjoyable as he found the living here.

How about my perpetual singularity? I haven't mentioned that much because it's not something I like to consider too much. Some take big issue with this, very concerned that people need to be paired off. I can't say I disagree with them, but being alone isn't bad for me. Not getting into adult relationships probably is. So much of the relationship dynamic bothers me, but I do crave the intimacy. I'm less convinced now that i've been in the presence of the "perfect woman for me", but i'm quite convinced i've been around any number of strong possibilities. It wouldn't kill me to try a little harder to get them to stick around.

That's the end. That's the longest series of anything i've ever written. Can't say it's a hugely proud feeling, but it's something! Interesting bunch of titles too, all but the first few:

2008 #52 - End of An Accountability Era
2008 #50 - Giraffes
2008 #49 - Still in a Room Without a View
2008 #48 Later With...
2008 #47 - Late, Great.. i already said 2008
2008 #46 - 28
2008 #45 - Doing Stuff I Like
2008 #44 - Saw V
2008 #43 - Inclusion, Diversity, Equality
2008 #42 - My living room is too small...
2008 #41 - Reconnecting Day 3 - Post Now Final
2008 #40 - No
2008 #39 - Quickie
2008 #38 - Weight Lifting
2008 #37 - Mind Racer
2008 #36 - 23 miles around
2008 #35 - Bank holiday comes six times a year
2008 #34 - Late!
2008 #33 - Strange Low
2008 #32 - Who Poisoned Me?
2008 #31 - Back on Track?
2008 #30 - Three Zero.
2008 #29 - What Happened to eBay? Come to think of...
2008 #28 - The Week that Wasn't
2008 #27 -- Ireland
2008 #26 - On Mass
2008 #25 - Quiet One
2008 #24 - Shitstorm
2008 #23 - Short and not so Sweet
2008 #22 - The Barrier to Doing
2008 #21 - Concentration
2008 #20 - Cycling, Unnatural Law and Goals
2008 #19 - Transformation at Home and Work
2008 #18 - More Bullets
2008 #17 - Grounding/Constants
2008 #16 - Bullets
2008 #15 - Resonation: A type of vibration.
2008 #14 - Theorising
2008 #13 - Easter
2008 #12 - Music Spurred by Peer Pressure
2008 #11 - Off the Wagon
2008 #10 - Confused Flat Hunting
2008 #9 - Event Horizon
2008 #8 - tablet talk
2008 #7 - Random Notes of a Cautious Clicker
2008 #6 - Life Nomadic
2008 #5 - It's Just That Simple
2004 #4
2008 #3
2008 #2
2008

I will probably post something tomorrow, but it won't be anything that requires me to commit to writing a weekly post about myself. That's done as of the end of this paragraph. This blog is my random blog again from then on. The 2008 project has been sometimes fun, sometimes a burden, somewhat useful, often useless, motivating, but not enough, and if not life changing, at least helping me keep an eye on myself. To anybody that actually read some or all of this, though it wasn't the point, I thank you, and I hope the fact that I didn't change 100% isn't too dispiriting. That was never going to happen. I like myself too much!

2008 #51 - More Drafts

Welcome to a very late instalment. Due to the preparations for Christmas I neglected to write my weekly post earlier this week. Today being Saturday this is by far the latest I've ever been, but i'm damned if I'm going to fuck this up so close to the end, so all 52 will be published!

Continuing my 16/12 theme:

I can see it now. Google types sitting around discussing the market price of the first Android phone. Three schools of thought.

1. Undercut the iPhone - Pro: People like cheap alternatives, traction can be gained. Con: Makes it look like a cheap alternative.

2. Price it higher than the iPhone - Pro: Might suck in some rich folk, Con: People will just buy an iPhone.

3. Charge the same as the iPhone - Pro: None, Con: People will just buy an iPhone.

It looks like 2 is the way it's going. Personally i'd have gone with option 1.

In the end it pretty much went more like 3. I think I can get a free G1 with a contract here in the UK but everyone in the world seems to hate the battery life and that's a pet peeve. I still find it interesting that tech pundits quite unanimously think that Android is going to be a big hit. I hope it is, but it's hard to see why right now. Just because half the world is using Symbian and not realising how bad it is doesn't mean they care. I'm not a phone guy anyway. Not my topic, which is why this got held back.

2008 #30 - I've done 30 of these?!?

Insightful!

I can't get into it.

I'm trying, but I can't seem to force myself to do.. well.. anything.

Starting to think what I hoped was just a rumour my mind ignores.

I'm lazy.

Fuck.

I feel sure I ended up posting this, maybe with a slight variation. Still somewhat true I feel.

When did things change?

There was a time

Ever had one of those moments where you realise you're fulfilling a stereotype? I recall stopping writing here, because it was clearly going to be a crotchety old man post. I'm just too young to be doing that.

LCD TV - Panasonic TX-37LDZ80 Initial Reaction

This isn't the full saved draft but the rest is pointlessly obsolete at this point. I never got around to writing a full review of this TV. There seems to be a generally good vibe on the network about this TV, and about it's "800" replacement. All I need to say is that I'm completely happy with it. I'd change the interface in the firmware perhaps. Give me a slightly easier way of switching between AV1 and HDMI1, which is really all I ever need, but as I more recently discovered if you ask the set to default to AV instead of analogue, it will also allow the defaulted AV1 to be overridden by HDMI1, so you can in effect use the cable itself as a way to switch between the two. That said, my first HDMI cable is getting very ragged around the laptop end. These ports really need to be on the back of laptops, not the side.

That's all the draft material I wish to share. There's two others that aren't really for public consumption. Maybe one day.

WHOA. Freaky occurence. You'll recall several paragraphs back I quoted a draft that said "There Was a Time". As I write this I sit listening to Chinese Democracy for the first time, and what just flicked up in the corner of my screen but the song title "There Was A Time", track six. I wouldn't say it particularly alters my crotchety old man viewpoint though. That's pretty much what Mr Rose is now.

Now, on to six points covering as well as possible everything up to around Christmas Eve. Honestly, i'll be blurring the line a bit. Some of this will be anything up to yesterday.

1. In the run up to Christmas, once that tin of Quality Street was gone, I ate a little better, much like I normally do in fact. I finally boiled some more Borlotti beans also which is a good lunch supplement, though I definitely prefer the Garbanzo beans/Chickpeas so next time I'll buy those again. The Borlottis aren't well known, and It's clear why. They essentially discharge goo which is the exact colour of mould when you cook them. It looks disgusting, but they taste fine. As the end of the year approaches I definitely have stuff to say on the eating well topic. It seems that in a year that i've paid it the most attention I've faired the worst. More in the finale.

2. No real change prior to Christmas so i'll address the last few days early here. Christmas entertainment. UK TV has been about as bad as usual. I've outgrown it. In about 15-20 years I'll grow into it again if my parents are anything to go by. US TV seems non-existent over the past few days. I'd have expected Christmas episodes of Family Guy, American Dad, The Office, but none of them have obliged. Over the past two days looking at Mininova's TV section, there's more UK shows than US shows. Nonetheless, it's been easy to remain entertained. My two favorite Podcasts (current KATG and NLO) both put out three shows during the week. I always prepare myself too much entertainment to take to my parents house over Christmas. I did not have time to touch practically anything else beyond the podcasts. I did play scrabble. That's a different form of entertainment. I have five days before I go back to work, so the coming days will be the real test as to whether I can keep myself busy and not just waste time.

3. Had a rather unexpected Sunday night out with those illusive friends I live near to but rarely see any more. Good time. A nice way to round off the social calendar, although hopefully I'll be out a few more times before the end of the year. Most of the coupley types are largely unavailable now, and certainly won't be available on the 31st.

4. I gave my work goals a thought, but didn't get any time to look at them. Work is all in all going very well at the moment though. Unless there's some way I can get promoted without having to commit to additional hours at work, this is actually about as good as things can be. That, of course, will eventually be a problem, but for now it's good.

5. I said Christmas would give me some thinking time. I've mostly thought about whether I should try to buy a house over the next year. Because I somewhat believe in total economic collapse being on the cards, it's hard to think too seriously about it. If that does happen, it won't be the newly mortgaged homeowners given a pass, that's for damn sure. Holding pattern. Suicide by tiny increments. Status Quo. Ahhhhh.

6. In the week before Chistmas I did plenty of walking. At home for Christmas I helped chop and carry wood for what can't have even been an hour, and found myself wishing I had something like that in the city to allow me to get some exercise. There'a very little I can do for incidental exercise around here.

One more to go. Number 52 will be a reflective piece. Maybe i'll drag back all of the old goals. Who knows. I'll do that before the start of 2009, but then that's it. Stop looking at my hair!

2008 #50 - Giraffes

Or Drafts, really. Drafts seemed too dull a title.

Over the last almost year there have been several occasions on which I almost wrote a post, then decided I was too busy doing something else, that I wasn't informed enough on the topic, or just couldn't really be bothered. I'd like to revist them and try to turn them into something.

Bailouts fail. Banks can't be forced to loan people money. The very prospect is laughable. They'll spend it how they want, and do more of the same.

So, why would interest rate cuts succeed when the same principle applies. It's a holding pattern. It's a wait and see.

This seems accurate enough to me. Just wasn't quite sure. Since writing that I can't say anything has happened to change my mind. In fact, I see no evidence whatsoever that any bailout package here in the UK or in any other country has had any real impact. Of course, there's a standby of claiming that the bailee was on the brink of collapse, but didn't collapse. That often won't be true, and if they eventually collapse anyway, never will it have been worth it.

Restrictive Revenue Models: I like the Weekly Lost Podcast from gspn.tv.

And I still do. What I never got around to here was to explain how the hell the title related to the post. I felt that a the time that It's probably a little unfair to bitch about having to pay for something that you previously got for free for some time. The issue I had was that the producer created a subscription service to cover his entire network, and every other show on that network aligns in no way to my interests. The fee is too high for me to justify spending to obtain the individual show. Every second episode was to be for subscribers only. Right now I'm unsure whether this is still the case as the feed has been quiet for a few weeks, so this could be out of date, but probably isn't.

I have the same issue with the BBC. We don't live in a world where everything needs to be bundled. Technology exists to sell people exactly the content they want. The BBC licence fee continues to exist because to countless people like me, a large proportion of what they produce is of no interest, however the money from those that are interested in particular content might not cover costs to produce such things. The BBC seems to have no confidence that it can sell it's content on an individual basis. Ridiculous really given how successful their commericial arm is. The licence fee is a TV tax in every sense of the word. Would I lock out the entire BBC in favour of my Sky channels? Yes. Pretty much. Based on typical usage I'd save my 140 quid a year and watch a different news channel, because that's the only BBC channel I watch with any regularity. If they won't sell it individually, I'll buy a competitor that will. Slightly over-simplified, but I think I've made the point.

I don't view gspn or all their other shows negatively, but the fact is I cannot listen to any more podcasts. I don't have the time. Having already reluctantly shed a few shows I already enjoyed, I'm not looking for shows that I don't expect to capture my interest, even if were I to give them a chance I may well enjoy them. At the time of the above one-liner, there was no realistic way for me to continue enjoying all episodes of the Weekly Lost Podcast. Would I pay individually for the show? Perhaps. Were it possible I'd at least consider it.

I'm noticing a lot of Obama supporters seems to be throwing around libetarian leanings.

LOOMIS

Grants?

Not sure where I was seeing this going. I guess I was talking about the people very emphatic about freedom in the lefty liberal sense. Hopefully by now these people are a little more uneasy about the "Office of the President Elect". None of my business anyway. I have the UK political futility to not care about.

LOOMIS - fantastic little "everything" shop in Leicester. I could not find a garlic crusher at ASDA anywhere. Same for a sieve. Both of these I found at LOOMIS. Bags for my 10 year old vacumn cleaner - LOOMIS. XLR wires - LOOMIS. Okay I wouldn't buy them there but it's good to know they have them in a balanced audio emergency. Cheap Umbrelllas - LOOMIS. Shops like this seem to be getting rarer. I hope they don't go away completely.

Grants? Yeah. One afternoon I woke up and noticed that students grants pretty much disappeared just before I went to uni and came back shortly after. Difference is, back then I might have felt hard done by. Now I find the prospect of encouraging every single person to seek higher education ridiculous, and given how a large proportion of my loan was spent I'd much rather not see anybody getting that money in grant form. No point getting too far into this. There's entrenched hypocracy of an ex-student whining about the current students who are doing essentially the same thing. I wouldn't change much if I could go back... Okay i'd change a lot of things, but who knows how anything would have turned out. Let it be. I like where I am overall.

2008 #40 - 700 billion $: It's an interesting week.

I think I did post this one. Must have started over. Maybe I changed the title. I can't be bothered to go back to check. No mystery in this one.

Right, this was a fine idea but apparently I have more to say on these than I had expected. I'll do the rest next time perhaps. Now for the shortest most vague recap on my six things list ever.

1. Work gave us a tin of quality street. Failed. (i'm not saying FAIL. That's played, as 0f months ago)

2. Extremely entertained and artistic. Seem to have slipped into regularly watching a soap for the first time in about six years though. Might try to stop that soon.

3. New faces, old faces, hanging round old places. All good.

4. Covering for the boss. Seems about the same. Good and busy, goals untouched.

5. No time to reconsider anything this week. Christmas will give me some thinking time.

6. Lots of weekend walking. I'll always want to walk places. Otherwise, no.

Two to go, don't ya know!

2008 #49 - Still in a Room Without a View

Not that there are any particularly interesting views around here, but even if I do look out my windows, I can either see next doors kitchen, a row of back yards from the next street along, or the cars out front. Hardly inspiring.

1. Ate less crap last week. Still ate some. No mindless overindulgence. Have started a Calorie spreadsheet. I'm learning weird shit. The can of tuna that makes up most of my lunch seems to contain more kcals than practically anything else I eat. I haven't completed it yet, but my suspicion is that day to day I don't exceed the recommended intake, energy wise at least. That probably explains why I gain no real weight. The lack of exercise probably explains why I lose no real weight. Beyond that it's all about fatty deposits in the innertubes, right? Got to die eventually.

2. Enjoying the films. Pretty bored with the Internet. Trying to be more selective of what I read in my favoured RSS feeds. Poker is killing me. I don't think I ever factored in that odds-wise, if you play more and play properly (last time fuckwits, IT's not a game of luck, IT's not a game of chance, and whilst it may be poker, IT'S NOT FUCKING POKER stabstabkilkill) you have a better chance of winning than if you play less. Now I have lifted my no more than one game restriction i've played more some days, less others but more probably overall. I've managed to win bigger games like in the good old days, but i'm still fighting the current. Fluctuating around the middle ground, not gaining or losing. It's enjoyable to a point, but it's also annoying.

3. Work Christmas party gave me the opportunity to act a little less formally around mostly people that I used to work with. I now sit, at work, very near to a fair number of people that I used to work with closely, a small number whom I technically led (looking back, not really sure how much or well, but I had no official capacity anyway). It's these people I fell into the head nodding acquaintance thing with. Thing is until recently my being there was interesting because it didn't happen very often, so there was always a reason to catch up. Now i'm right round the corner again that quickly wears off, rightly so, but nothing has really replaced it. There are a few people in there i'd genuinely like to speak to more, but unless I run into them it doesn't really happen. What was the point? Right, the party at least got me chatting to a few of them, although not about much. My interests are so incompatible with the majority. It's the geekdom. I don't want to talk about this stuff. I get very irritated when people want to talk about work outside work, bu... i've lost control of this one, i'll admit it. Bad writing. Not gonna fix it. Suffice to say I am feeling a bit boring at the moment. I used to kid myself that I just didn't want to talk shit like everyone else. That's still valid, but back then it didn't occur to me that the shit should actually be replaced with something else. Silence is just boring.

4. Working my arse off at work. No idea when i'm going to be able to work on my annual goals. Once again reminding myself that I can't gain from their completion anyway, so whilst I want and to an extent need to do them, i'm not losing out by putting them off. Let's face it, these things usually happen in the last few months anyway.

5. The reconsidering thing is creeping back. Way too much stuff in my eyes and ears today about not putting things off, not following the herd, etc. All good stuff that I believe in, although just once I'd like the person touting this stuff to admit that it is possible to lose out in these transitions. The message is always do what you want to do. Earn less, be happier. What if I am happy, but can't afford my lifestyle, so am forced to switch to another lifestyle in which I become unhappy. Was that the right move? Maybe I wasn't unhappy to begin with, just frustrated. Thankfully, right now I am happy, work-wise. I want to do some other things, but I am working towards those things. They all require money, and I am saving. The good thing about saving when you're an adult is that you can do it and still make fairly big purchases out of "normal" money. The account dips lower, but eventually recovers. Saving never stopped. Probably an indicator that more could be saved, but I fiigure i'm supposed to be stimulating the economy right now. Certainly nothing else is likely to work (wish so much of my government stolen money hadn't already been spent on those efforts, and would urge you to feel the same)

6. Back to zero. It's so fucking cold for exercise. Stupid really it might warm me up a bit.

2008 #48 Later With...

A few hours later than last week. Definitely late in the grand scheme.

I have nothing of note to put at the top tonight. I just watched Sunshine. Beautiful. This one I do wish I'd seen in the Cinema, but unlike many films I don't know how easy that would have been even if I did know about it around the time it was around.

As you might have gathered from recent things I've said, I am going to complete this year long series and then retire from goal blogging. The purpose this has served is not to be understated, but I firmly believe I can now continue the type of focus this has given me without having to make it a 5-10 point manifesto. Blogging is much more fun when you want to write a post. Even when I enjoyed writing these posts, it was normally because I went off on some tangent.

So, today is 48.
49 will be around 9/12.
50 will be around 16/12
51 will be around 23/12
52 will be the final installment somewhere around the end of the year.

After that, my posts here will be standard cos I can crap. Some of it will continue the themes seen in this series, no doubt, but no more weekly structure, and no guarantee that I'll ever talk about the fact that I'm getting no exercise again, though I do acknowledge this is an ongoing problem..

Now that i've realised there's five to go including the bits of this that I still haven't written this feels a tad premature, but it's the plan. Last thing: they will get briefer, not more detailed, towards the end. The last one might be long though.

1. Winter over-indulgence continues, though not as bad as last week. I'm probably eating a little more than I should be, but I wouldn't call it overeating or overindulging to any great extent.

2. Lovefilm has improved since the first few weeks of the trial and I'm now happy with the service. Great to be enjoying some films again. Recently disappointing TV shows have been good. I remain very entertained. I did say I'd try to get out of the house this week in the evenings but it hasn't happened. It is the work party on Friday though, so that's a whole different form of entertainment!

3. Better week on the whole person to person thing. A lot of the time a better week comes from an opportunity. This weekend was a birthday night out. Enjoyable and social. Am trying to be more talkative in passing at work also. Not a lost cause just yet.

4. Focussed at work, generally. It had to happen eventually - I did have one of those days at work where I didn't want to do any work today. Even the new office can't stop that from happening, however I am very busy and have a very tight deadline to meet in about a week so sitting back isn't an option. Time is flying by at work - that much is definite.

5. Still happy, so nothing of note to talk about. I have finally realised that I have about as little interest in reading about startups as I have for working for one, or indeed starting one. Took me a long time to reach this conclusion. Fire the boss comes with it's own headaches, and the life I want to lead is incompatible with throwing everything into one thing, e.g. work.

6. I picked up the bar bell during this week. I ached for days. I will continue to ease into the weights. See. Still not doing nothing!

Told you it'd be short.

2008 #47 - Late, Great.. i already said 2008

This was supposed to be done yesterday. Ran out of time, for not particularly good reasons. Quick notes for today.

- The so called devil tries to tempt you when you're alive. Convince you to do the most unspeakable evil. Then, when you die, you go to hell and suddenly the guy's all self righteous? Calling you a sinner? Punishing you for the bad things that he asked of you? For some reason I never looked at it this way before, but it seems like a disconnect that doesn't get addressed by the mainstream devil talkers. Fill me in, devil talkers.

- Guess it was just one note.

1. Food. I am sticking to my rules almost but not quite. I recognise this very clearly as the early winter over-indulgence. I force myself to feel cold and compensate by snacking. Eating does warm the body, as does digestion. It's a poor excuse. I have started noticing calorie counts on various things I eat this last week and I must say a few things are surprising. Given that i'm all about data crunching maybe i'd make a good calorie counter. Note to self to pay some more attention to this.

2. I am watching too much TV this week. That is to say television shows, not films, which I consider a different form of entertainment. It's a one week thing. Next week I will try to get out a bit in the evening for some variety, even if it's just for a walk. Maintaining a drain circling number of chips in fake poker has become an art form now. I'm stuck. As predicted the shorter commute is making it harder to properly listen to podcasts/internet shows. At least 2/3 of the stuff I listen to I insist on paying good attention to. This means not reading from a screen. Driving is perfect for this, but I've lost an hour a day where I did this. I am certainly not complaining. The all knowing idiot Randy Marsh of South Park had a line in an episode of South Park late last season - something about not randomly surfing whilst watching TV. I think the same applies here. It wouldn't be a bad idea to occasionally sit in the living room whilst the laptop sits somewhere else.

3. I feel a little in-shell right now and it bothers me. I know i've been better in this regard at other times in my life and it's hard to understand how one goes backwards in this regard. The only explanation I can find is lack of exposure to people, which is what this was all about. All I can do is try to keep this at the forefront of my mind. I am, and always have been far too concerned about others perception of my intentions. When I am made to look a fool, usually light heartedly I can now brush it off so easily it amazes me, but the fear that precedes that is still with me. Must open up.

4. Working well. Much happier to add a little time at the end of the day. With the new walk to the car park at the bottom of site I haven't yet managed to arrive at my desk on time anyway, but without even trying the time has been made up. There's so much less urgency to get up and driving when home is only 25 minutes away. This gives a better perception to others in the same office who may not know my hours. I've never liked that people have these views, but it's clear they do. Believe it or not, i've heard 9-5ers slating 8-4ers for leaving at 4. I've never heard one shred of evidence that the last hour in the afternoon they work is more productive than the first one I work. In fact, i've heard plenty to the contrary. Still need to get to my set goals!

5. Still happy, so still nothing of note to talk about.

6. I eased myself into weights with the dumbells. On old advice I then waited several days and will get back to them in about 20 minutes time. If i'm doing weights I need to be more careful to avoid injury. I strained a lot of muscles last time I tried and I think this is partly what has been putting me off getting back to it. I also went for a 2 mile walk at the weekend. Not a huge amount of exercise, but I promised myself it wouldn't be nothing, and it's not nothing. Next week the promise is the same.

India is under attack. The time, here at least, is ten to ten.

Drunken Post November

Been a while since I posted whilst getting myself beered up.

Things I noticed just now:

Lovefilm works Saturday. Blockbuster didn't. That's a big plus. Even if I don't see it 'til Tuesday, knowing now what's coming is good. If it manages to show up Monday, all the better.

Forgotten how much I liked Milkdrop. I've not touched weed that much in my life, but I get the feeling Milkdrop would be a good companion.

I love my new lamp. It does exactly what it's supposed to.

Why the hell can't I get into books. I haven't even touched the Boosh book that my friends bought me for my birthday over a week ago. I'm quite sure i'll find what's in it very funny. There is some mental block to picking up the paper.

The IT crowd has managed a third series (or season - the US way makes more sense but this isn't a show that's likely to export). Not bad for a pretty weak premise. Still quite funny. Reliant on talent more than writing, but the talent is there. Chris Morris was still the better boss but Sanch does a reasonable job. Sanch's real name I have no idea of, which I should feel ashamed of as he's also a Boosh cast member from s1.

Speaking of which I should buy Dark Place on DVD.

Breakout is a great song. The Foos are a great band. Some seem to dislike what they're doing now, and that I must admit i've lost track of, but there's very little I don't like at all. I am in the group that actually prefers the stuff from "Lose" to most of the stuff from "Foo" and "Shape", although Monkey Wrench will always be the preferred track overall so can't ignore "Shape". Also like a lot of the stuff on "One" but no idea about anything since. Best of You I swear to any higher being listening was a commercial radio advert jingle on the Chiltern Network some time in the 90's. Wish I could remember what company to prove it.

Wireless mice are great until they need batteries. Then you vow to go back to wires. You never actually do go back to wires though.

I bought cushions about a week ago. I did this despite (and I am about to mention a third UK comedy believe it or not) Steve from Coupling's fantastic rant about the fact that we don't actually sit on them. True, but we do lean on them, and they do add something to my living room. They may or may not be a little off the straight - I can't decide. Other people saw them and didn't comment. Besides which my furniture is so shitty it can't hurt to add a bit of comfort.

My singing voice is worrying me. I always prided myself on pitch in the face of a voice that may not exactly light up a room, but now I notice my voice wavering. Not good. I fucking love to sing, but the worse a person is at it the harder it is to justify doing.

Machine Head. Must see them again live some time. I think that was one of the most impressive gigs I've seen, buy I only saw it once.

It's not hard to see why people drink. It's more than to forget or to get a buzz. It's the sense of self that supposedly shines through. Problem is that if feeling that way all the time wasn't a problem, we probably would do. I doubt I could earn my salary with the mindset I have at this moment. If I could find a way to survive and forgo the salary, maybe I would try it. Unfortunately I also like the home comforts. This throwaway paragraph in a drunken post is actually one of my main struggles. Pathetic struggle if you look at some people's struggles, but at some point it's necessary to stop denying yourself self analysis on the basis that there are people with bigger problems. Even dying kids in deserts aren't the worst off in the world.

Ok that's enough for now. I gotta go outside.

2008 #46 - 28

I am now 28. An insignificant birthday. How about a train of thought...

I now have the biggest standing lamp I've ever seen in the corner of my room. It is awesome and after years of missteps I finally have something that does decent mood lighting. This of course sounds like materialistic crap, but I've always considered the vibe of a room to mean something. Funny actually, as for the first year plus living here I did nothing whatsoever about it. Standard energy saving bulbs are going to make this kind of thing harder. I've not yet seen how well the ones that can handle dimming work. It's weird to think of a fluorescent bulb of any kind being anything other than bright white or off. Having just fitted a cheap £1 bulb in the kitchen I only really notice that it takes maybe 30 seconds to be bright enough not to notice it's not an incandescent bulb, but then if you actually think about it you notice that it's like being in a room with tubes overhead. That type of brightness is unforgiving in almost any environment. It's just not pleasant light. Soon these will be the only bulbs available legally. There's no stopping this one. The weight of the world is behind it. As far as having a fairly speedy impact on reducing energy consumption, it's hard to argue with. Until you remember that suddenly you're being told that it's illegal to connect a little glass dome with a thin piece of wire running through it to your electricity supply to help you see around your house. You might say that nobody is saying it's illegal, but you'd be being naive. First it will be illegal to make them, then illegal to buy them, and when enough time has passed that having one will prove you must have done one of the above things, it will become illegal to own them. Of course, it's not likely you'll get caught, unless you let a policeman into your house... or one peers through your window and sees it... or somebody you wronged decides to blow the whistle. The police wouldn't waste my time with this would they? Who the hell knows. In one night a policeman who I know and trust said both that they "have better things to do" than worry about a car missing a mirror, but moments later recalled a time when they needed "more arrests" so arrested a guy sleeping drunk in his car. People: This is not a crime in any true sense of the word. It's not harming anyone. It's based on the thinly veiled notion that a person drunk inside a car is only one step from driving it. I fail to see how me being drunk in my house and walking outside, getting into my car and driving off is any different. The guy sleeping in the car is not a bad guy. Neither is the policeman in question. He's not a bad guy by a very long stretch, but I guess feels that if he wants to make a positive difference and do good, he must put up with the flawed system which requires less positive behaviour, mostly it seems clear, only for the good of massaging figures to secure required levels of government fund-pie. My libertarian leanings are still not fully formed ideals, closer every day though they get, but this type of incentive is a no brainer to me - plain wrong.

That went pretty much how I expected. This is my mind a lot of the time, but with more anger over injustice than it is easy to express in the written form.. Of course, i'm not a writer.

1. Ate well, kept to the food rules. There was some snacking at work this week courtesy of my birthday cake offering. Nothing too bad. Drank a little less coffee and my skin has improved a little.

2. I am very well entertained. I am watching lots of films, playing poker, Wordscraper (all I consider mind expanding). Enjoying the US shows, trying to work out if i'm still enjoying Heroes as much now that it's turning into Lost, which I still love anyway. Finally after a 2 week backlog managed to do all the feed reading I had been putting off. I am seriously considering reading a book.

3. Did I mention I love my new office? So many people talking to me. So much better than sitting around all day. Had a great birthday night out on Friday with many if not quite all the people I would have liked there. All good people nonetheless. The question I have is how do I break the cycle with people i've reached nod and smile briefly status with, but never really intended to. It's never pleasant to have to do that and i'd rather say hello, but oddly I feel it's weird to given I haven't been saying it recently. This is a strange fear and I will try to get over it.

4. I'm applied. Very applied. I haven't felt this useful at work in many months. It's hard to believe my job hasn't actually changed at all. My work goals, once again, are still untouched. As I mentioned, these may have to wait until next week, assuming things that are supposed to be finished this week are finished (although I already know they won't quite be finished).

5. As last week, am enjoying my role minus the bullshit that I hate, not feeling like it's a treadmill, so happy to keep going. This isn't a cop out, even if it sounds like it.

6. But this is. Why the fuck can't I bring myself to do anything about exercising. I am not depressed. I'm in a great mood. I know what exercise I want to do, but I continue to procrastinate. I noticed today that even my fairly baggy work shirt is no longer hiding my shape as well as it normally has. Some weight training right now would do me the world of good. This is the week my friends. I will do this. I must!

2008 #45 - Doing Stuff I Like

I like doing stuff. Nothing is more depressing than having nothing to do. It's not so much being bored. There are a hundred things I have at one time or another thought I would do when I had time. Making sure I have a copy of every CD in my car, for example. Right now I don't. I'm never stuck for activity, but having stuff to do that isn't just a chore puts me in a much better mood than sitting around.

Last night I visited my family. This weekend I went out in another city on Friday and Saturday, the latter involving seeing my favourite band at my favourite mid-sized gig venue. I went to the Cinema on Tuesday and Wednesday. In a week of far less sitting around, I feel good.

This is no big revelation, but it bears remembering.

Note - i'm going back to not recapping the text of the goals each time. Waste of space. If you want to see them see the last few weeks.

1. I finally made up for my bad behaviour a few weeks ago by staying away from the corn chips and the real chips last week. Other than that I continued to eat moderately. I steered clear of any snack food at work, although there was some celebratory food on Friday of which I did eat some. I'm overindulging in coffee at the moment and my skin is reacting as I know very well it does. This is useful actually because at 28 I refuse to have constant acne problems, which will help me to cut back. So, not perfect but better than recently.

2. I think my opening paragraphs pretty much indicate I'm fine here this week. If anything I've had far less time for the normal entertainment activities.

3. I am doing my very best on this point. I reached out to about 10 people last night to try to arrange some kind of a birthday night out. I normally find this kind of thing hard to co-ordinate, much like when I try to organise a meeting at work, but I seem to have succeeded here, so I should get a chance to see most of my friends in the next week or so and catch up with those I don't see as much any more. At work I am now surrounded by hundreds of people, and I love it. I don't want to overstate this because this is only day three, but there's an atmosphere in this office which I haven't felt in almost three years. I am doing my best not to ignore people in the hope that I may get to know some of them in time. Great to be back with the people rather than sitting around a quiet office in the West Midlands finding it hard to get motivated because it feels like there is nobody else working in the entire place. In a bustling administrative office everybody is working, and I feel much more inclined to join them. This office move is great for so many reasons, but I didn't even expect this one!

4. I am working hard. I haven't had one of those days in which I felt ineffective in the last week or so. I have a major project with a tightening deadline. In the new location It's easier to get on, as I already mentioned, plus time flies. Days dragged on in the old place even when I was supposedly busy. Now the clock races to lunch and then through the afternoon. I put in an extra hour to buy myself some time to get something small fixed on my car later in the week, without a second thought. I do still need to make some progress on my goals, which means giving just a little less focus to this big project, but that may need to wait until after next week. Beyond that I think I need to specifically book time for certain activities. The whole GTD thing after a fair amount of reading got annoying but there are plenty of basic principles in there that can work and this seems like one.

5. Last week I saw a job that I thought I could do. I might not have been able to do it in reality, as it might have had an engineering background as a sticking point - this wasn't clear. I decided not to apply in the end, as I think I like where I am. The things that made my job a drag are mostly gone and I have the opportunity finally to see if I really enjoy this job without all those drains on my energy and cash, plus in a more agreeable environment. I'm not saying that this is the end of rethinking my career, and I will continue to do so, but as of this week, be aware that the current thinking is making the most of what I have, not out of compromise in any major way, mostly out of the good vibe i'm getting.

6. Still the only thing I haven't managed to progress on. Or is it? I actually got an intense work out in my annual trip to a punk gig on Saturday night. If you choose to join in, and I do, it's incredibly hard work. Yes, you do get elbowed in the face, sweated on by many other people, and crushed in ways you'd expect to hurt more, but in trying to stay upright in all that and show enthusiasm for what is an awesome performance, exercise happens. This was coincidental exercise however. It doesn't speak to my progress in this area, which is essentially still poor.

All things considered, my attitude has improved greatly in the last week. I like where this is going.

Other note - if you are like me a late twenties type person that has never had a dentist that thought you needed a cleaning before, be prepared for an incredibly unpleasant experience. They will tell you it's not as bad as a drilling, and of course the net result isn't as bad, but all the worst things about drilling are present in a cleaning, and anticipation of pain runs through the entire experience. On top of that, it takes about four times as long. I do however like the results.

Stop Hailing Change!

Seriously. Celebrate it if it happens. It's not fucking historic until he actually becomes president and does anything differently. Until then it's just promises made before inauguration. Why you blinkered people can't see that there's every chance this guy will behave in exactly the way all those before him have bugs the shit out of me, and i'm not even American.

Aren't the general public capable of learning anything from the past?

2008 #44 - Saw V

Just saw Saw V. I thought I was enjoying it. Then it ended. The tagline for this film in the UK at least has been "You won't believe how it ends". Let me say in no uncertain terms, the ending of this film is entirely predictable, twist free and underwhelming. Searching around for to figure out what I missed it seems I missed nothing. Movies with weak endings shouldn't have taglines about their endings. That's just dumb.

Sigh.

1. I will eat in moderation at all routine meals. The majority of my meals will be essentially healthy. When I snack or overindulge, I will specifically redress the balance later. I will also drink caffeine based drinks in moderation. At the end of a week, if I feel my intake has been too high, the goal has not been met, and I will state this.

I am not eating in the moderation I should be at present. This is definite. My meals are alright, but I am snacking more. Things I buy to replace other less healthy options end up getting eaten as snack food. I need to do better here, as I think I am starting to gain weight again.

2. I will not spent extended periods of time focussed on one form of entertainment. If one form of entertainment has consumed an evening or weekend then I have failed. I will vary it, and ensure that I don't neglect the mind expanding.

Still keeping it very varied. In the interest of keeping it short I won't give any detail, but it's all good.

3. I will talk to people. People I know will not feel I am ignoring them. People I don't know will not forever be people I don't know. If they do, or they are, I have failed. Why all this? Because spending any extended period of time alone is a terrible idea, and the more you initiate, the less likely that is to happen.

Still doing better at this. Mental note to keep it going when i'm back in an office of hundreds as of later this week. Plenty of people to get to know there compared to very few where i've been most recently.

4. I will apply myself to my work. Why? Because all career uncertainty aside, if I'm doing something, I must be doing it well, plus it's the only way I will continue to advance in my current career.

I am doing this, but neglecting the goals set at work. This is a common problem not unique to me, but I am due an interim review very shortly and as yet I haven't made much progress on my goals. No big deal as I have pointed out before, I cannot progress any further at the end of the year by meeting these, but obviously the polar opposite has consequences. That, however, would take some serious neglect of not just the goals but my work itself, and that won't happen. Nonetheless, I will get to these shortly, as there's some worthwhile stuff in there.

Side note - a few weeks ago I wrote about a session I attended on inclusion, diversity, etc, and was strangely positive about it. This week the (or it is a) company emailed the entire organisation to explain that such initiatives were okay but didn't focus enough on the inclusion element. The solution, it is alleged, is to make this a key part of the day to day job. I don't know what this means but no doubt it's another opportunity for me to get very angry about just how much interest the people that are just supposed to pay me for the work I do (AND THAT IS ALL) seem to have in my personal thought process. Please hear me! I will not be told what to think by my employer. Just as I start to make peace with the company, they are going to start judging me annually on how inclusive I am. How the fuck they expect to do this I have no idea, and I'm in no rush to find out. Frankly the tone of this email was horrible, includng several uses of the phrase "radical new approach", though I imagine the people that wrote it would be very surprised that anybody would have my reaction (they would see it as entirely positive), however, it took five minutes to confirm i'm not alone in hating what I read. If I really had to single out any group of people to persecute it wouldn't be a race, sex, faith or age or disability group. It'd be the people that insist that they know better than other people on issues that simply aren't based in fact, but on opinion. If anybody involved in this or anything like it ever reads this, please take my FUCK YOU very seriously. You and all like you anger me greatly, and your no doubt already forming assumption that I am just the type person you need to "reach" offends me, and many, many other people, unbeknownst to you. If anything, it might be good to "reach" you and get you to understand my view on all this, but the difference between you and me of course, is that I would never want to tell you what to think - just what I think.

That was a tangent, but an important one. Corporate stupidity. To boil it down - let us all celebrate how the same, and yet different we are by making sure that everybody agrees that we're all the same, and yet different. Go fuck yourself, once and for all. If I sound pissed off, it's because I am.

5. I will continue to rethink my career inside and outside my current role weekly. Why? Because I don't want to find myself realising I am on a career treadmill and nothing more. I must ensure what I do is meaningful to me, and ideally others. This doesn't inherently necessitate change, just frequent consideration.

Still thinking about the future. Stuff like the rant above make me want to walk out of the place, but that wouldn't help. I am gradually getting to the point where I can take these stands and worry less about the consequences. The loud, disagreeable types do fail to progress - this much is true, but I can live with that if i'm doing and saying the right thing, as opposed to towing lines which make me want to throw up. So, I don't want out. I'm even starting to consider alternative roles within the company again, which I haven't done in a while.

6. I will find the time to manage a 3 times a week exercise schedule. Why? Much like the eating, it's about long term health gains and short term physical gain. Lose a little weight. Tone up a bit.

Still not happening.

My self discipline is at an all year low right now. I blame the weather. We had both a proper summers day, first snow and air frost all in October. It's a bit warmer again now, thankfully, but it's all very confusing and can affect mood and drive.

This is the first post i've written in a long time which makes me worry slightly that I could be identifiable. I keep this anonymous precisely so I can say things like the above without fear of repurcussion. It's a lot less destructive to rant about policy of an unnamed company from the perspective of an unnamed individual than it is to reveal both and face the possibility that it could be used against me later. Many people are far too liberal in how they speak in public on Facebook etc. Nonetheless, I stand by my opinions, and there's certainly nothing aimed at any one individual.. More at a certain group of people.. Ahh crap there I go putting people in groups again.

!!!!
I'm going to bed. Peace out.

2008 #43 - Inclusion, Diversity, Equality

Today I attended a three hour session on inclusion, diversity and equality. In the lead up to this event I have had so may fantastic (literal meaning) thoughts about how I would justify my scepticism of the event should the need arise, most ending in me walking out. I'd read a series of articles and blog posts making it clear that such training is just a tick in a box for a company. The first few minutes of the session littered with disclaimers led me to expect the same. Wouldn't it be just typical that this event actually turned out to be good?

Well, it was. Three good actors, one facilitator, minimum cheese until right at the end, no preaching, no lecturing, just scenarios and group discussions. No pressure to participate at any point, which is oh so rare in this type of situation. If this type of "training" must happen in the workplace, this, for me, is the way to do it, although it must be made clear that it's not likely to challenge anyone's personal prejudices. I would however argue that an employer has no business doing this in any case. Trying to force beliefs on employees will immediately alienate and ultimately have little effect. This drama led workshop, if approached open mindedly, for me at least is the right way for an employer to approach the matter.

On with my show.

1. I will eat in moderation at all routine meals. The majority of my meals will be essentially healthy. When I snack or overindulge, I will specifically redress the balance later. I will also drink caffeine based drinks in moderation. At the end of a week, if I feel my intake has been too high, the goal has not been met, and I will state this.

Meals have continued to be largely healthy. My decision to not do either of two bad things only half landed - I still did one. I will see if I can roll my punishment over and do a week without either (although not this already can't be this week, as now i've done the other - only semantics save me from being pretty poor on this one). Caffeine drinks at work are a little too plentiful in general so I need to watch that, but not over the top. I need to refocus on the weekend. My non-eating before nights out is pretty uniformly leading to make-up unhealthy snacks at the tail end. I used to have perfect solutions to this and I need to rediscover them. Toast and marmite is coming back. Yes, it will be thick marmite, and no, there won't be any butter involved. DEAL WITH IT. I also baked some savoury scones on Sunday. They were square and rough, because I couldn't find a sieve for the flour or a cutter for the pastry. They actually taste pretty good. Next time i'll make more and put raisins in them like I should have done this time. This is to replace part of my main meal, and should save a little money, plus be a little less sugary than the Kiplings pies I was buying recently. Have done another Chilli cook, also on Sunday. Worked out that these give 5 meals. This is insanely good value eating at what I think is about £4 worth of ingredients. Enough on food.

2. I will not spent extended periods of time focussed on one form of entertainment. If one form of entertainment has consumed an evening or weekend then I have failed. I will vary it, and ensure that I don't neglect the mind expanding.

Balancing things quite nicely. Guitar factored in each day, working slowly through games, listening to Podcasts in the shower and car mostly. I am also keeping up with my semi-diverse feed reading. This is the reading I do, pretty much. I would like to read books but I've come to accept it's just not in my nature. For mind expanding, this is the current source.

I am seriously considering returning to postal DVD rental after a... 6 month? gap. Maybe a little longer. There's too much I still need to see, and plenty I need to see for the second time. I'm putting off subscribing at the moment because I know as soon as I do this I'm a slave to getting value from the service. Blockbuster served me quite well but it was a bad breakup. I must try their now main and I think perhaps only competitor, Lovefilm (some others are fronts for the same company). They sound more ruthless than Blockbuster by some accounts - the day a lost in post DVD costs me the price of DVD, the service is going. Blockbuster never even questioned a lost in post, not that I ever cheated them.

3. I will talk to people. People I know will not feel I am ignoring them. People I don't know will not forever be people I don't know. If they do, or they are, I have failed. Why all this? Because spending any extended period of time alone is a terrible idea, and the more you initiate, the less likely that is to happen.

I have been taking this to heart more and this is a good thing. I do feel a slightly better vibe surrounding me lately. Long may it continue.

4. I will apply myself to my work. Why? Because all career uncertainty aside, if I'm doing something, I must be doing it well, plus it's the only way I will continue to advance in my current career.

I'm having quite an engaging week or two right now. A day where I haven't spent any time reading feeds tells me i've been busy, and that's been happening more. The nature of my work unfortunately means built-in down time, but i'm trying more to use that for planning activities rather than using it as an opportunity to steal time for myself. To be very clear, i've never been particularly bad in this respect. My sense of guilt and shame overrides being a real piss-taker.

5. I will continue to rethink my career inside and outside my current role weekly. Why? Because I don't want to find myself realising I am on a career treadmill and nothing more. I must ensure what I do is meaningful to me, and ideally others. This doesn't inherently necessitate change, just frequent consideration.

I'm in one of my cycles right now, where I don't feel out of place doing what I do. This won't last forever, but as I like this part of the cycle, i'll happily ride it as long as it lasts. The relative clarity of the immediate future I now have is refreshing and i'm enjoying what i'm doing. Next week I regain my 5 hours and diesel money as mentioned previously. Right now this isn't a treadmill. I'm being exposed to plenty of new things and if the next step isn't necessarily clear, it doesn't feel as distant as it has at other times during this year. Once again, this is also partly fueled by my realisation that i'm very lucky to work where I do for this money right now. Perhaps I should give myself credit for not having quit back when I said I wanted to, but I think i'd feel conflicted about that.

6. I will find the time to manage a 3 times a week exercise schedule. Why? Much like the eating, it's about long term health gains and short term physical gain. Lose a little weight. Tone up a bit.

The one big failure of my current set of goals is exercise. I'm getting zero. There hasn't been a year in my life which didn't have a period like this - it's just another cycle that I have trouble breaking. Nonetheless, I really do want to get more, though this becomes increasingly hard as we enter the dark and wet times.

Today ended with snow. Good snow too. I like snow.

2008 #42 - My living room is too small...

...not by much, but a little. I cannot find more than two possible configurations for it. I cannot get any furniture into my bedroom either. Very restricting. If I knew then what I know now i'd have spent £700 on one fairly cheap but reasonable couch rather than a £300 bargain basement three piece suite which simply doesn't fit through doors.

On the bright side, the work thing happened and the result was what I wanted. Ten months of almost getting to the idea of moving to the West Midlands, changing my mind and then starting to think about it again but still being indecisive on have finally paid off. My job is moving to Hinckley. My 80 mile a day round trip becomes under 30. This is big stuff. I will reclaim time and money. Whether I use the time effectively or not, the money side is a big win. The pain of pouring £40 a week into diesel was a killer. It should be more like £50-60 a month when this kicks in, which feels a lot saner, particularly in the current economic climate, although I have to say i'm only feeling a tiny amount of pain so far in that mess. I mentioned the time. The saving is just over an hour a day. My guess is that 30 minutes of it will go to extra sleep, the the other 30 will disappear. We'll see.

So, anyway, I have a shiny new check-list and a slight feeling of having missed something. I started #41 on a Tuesday but didn't complete it until a Sunday. The days after that felt too soon to write again, but now a week later have I not technically missed a week? I guess so. I've always thought I might be a very mild OCD case. Far too sloppy in general to have this in any serious way, I do like complete sets. I think this is also part of aspegers, autism and human nature. It would have been nice to have 52 of these, but I think I already summised that that wouldn't have happened due to the date on which I started. If I fall short of 52 I can still do a recap of the year. My very own clip show.

When I was trying to move that chair a few minutes ago I didn't feel anything, but I have some itchiness in my hands now. I know this feeling. It's fibre-glass. I hate that stuff. What's it doing on the outside of my chair?

Stupid chair. So, this covers everything since the last list. In the case of the earlier goals, way over a week, but about a week for the ones further down.

The 2008 Manifesto

1. I will eat in moderation at all routine meals. The majority of my meals will be essentially healthy. When I snack or overindulge, I will specifically redress the balance later. I will also drink caffeine based drinks in moderation. At the end of a week, if I feel my intake has been too high, the goal has not been met, and I will state this.

I have redeveloped an old weekly fish'n'chip habit. I've kicked this one so many times but it always seems to come back. Most other days I'm doing fine. It's certainly true to say that as long as i'm not buying as I go i'm eating well. My return from Oxford on Sunday morning led me down an early morning bhagi and samosa kick which was followed up by my other redeveloped weekly habit, chips and dip. The Indian food was necessary driving sustainance, and fine, if crappy in quality. The fish'n'chips is a meal, and I do buy the mini, which if it's an option, certainly everybody should be doing as it's still a very solid meal, but the chips and dip are overindulgence that I need to redress. How do I do this? I wrote it without really deciding. Hard to decide how to punish myself. This has taken a turn I didn't anticipate. Okay, here's the deal. If I do chip and dip, I won't do fish'n'chip. Because last week I did both, this week I can do neither. Next week and going forward, just one. Is that enough? It's a start. Caffeine drink moderation going fine. Summary - yes my intake was too high, and this is how I will respond to that.

2. I will not spent extended periods of time focussed on one form of entertainment. If one form of entertainment has consumed an evening or weekend then I have failed. I will vary it, and ensure that I don't neglect the mind expanding.

Varying it nicely. My friend in Japan (who isn't from Japan) has got me into Wordscraper aka Scrabulous this last week and I like it. I'm playing the odd game of poker which is still not going at all well. Being the US fall season theres something worth watching most days at the moment. Partaking in Heroes, Entourage, South Park, American Dad, Family Guy (which is really starting to suck it must be said). The really entertaining thing this week however has been in game form - World Of Goo. I'm not sure when it finally became available, many months after I saw it in a Mahalo Daily game show episode, but there was never any question of me not buying this game, so buy it I did. I'll try to write about that in another post though once i'm a little further on in the game. Trying not to get through it too fast as it prolongs the fun and also contributes towards this goal. That said, WOG is pretty mind expanding, and is likely to get much harder now i'm past the first chapter, so it's quite possible I could overindulge in the game and still take a while to get through it. Pretty inspiring too, escpecially if this thing was really put together by just two guys, which is what I seem to have heard. So, summary - check, all good. I seem to be living for entertaining myself. Is this a problem? Hmmmm.

3. I will talk to people. People I know will not feel I am ignoring them. People I don't know will not forever be people I don't know. If they do, or they are, I have failed. Why all this? Because spending any extended period of time alone is a terrible idea, and the more you initiate, the less likely that is to happen.

I've made a conscious effort to be a bit better at this the last week or so. It's really not very hard and the response is almost always positive. Had a good weekend with a musical trip to Nuneaton and a night out in Oxford involving a in reverse order, a meat market, a rock bar and a gay bar. The meat market was oddly amusing, as I haven't been to one in a few years. Nothing much has changed. The rock bar was cool. Leicester lacks one like this right now. Of the few gay bars i've visited in my life this was my favorite, but that might be because it had live acoustic music. Nice place. More of a gay friendly vibe than the "look at us we're gay" vibe of the few Leicester places I at one time or another I have been dragged into. Have I worded this well enough to leave you in no doubt? Yeah, I think so.

Damn this is taking too long. I thought I got over turning these into essays.

4. I will apply myself to my work. Why? Because all career uncertainty aside, if I'm doing something, I must be doing it well, plus it's the only way I will continue to advance in my current career.

I am trying to do this, really I am, but it's proving a little difficult. For the last few weeks I was juggling balls which I like, but recgonise the inefficiency and therefore ineffectiveness of, but now i'm left with one big ball and a few smaller ones its less exciting. Hmm. I'm not "stealing time" as people like to call it, but I could be a little more applied. Check back next week.

5. I will continue to rethink my career inside and outside my current role weekly. Why? Because I don't want to find myself realising I am on a career treadmill and nothing more. I must ensure what I do is meaningful to me, and ideally others. This doesn't inherently necessitate change, just frequent consideration.

The Hinckley news gives me a good present but makes me think ahead. It's almost a given that eventually my job will decide it has to move somewhere else. This is a nature of the business. Next time i'll have additional expense covered, but i'll still always have to remain prepared to have to move or drive. Hopefully next time i'll feel more like moving. Also a little alarmed at my coding ability. Has 3 years of constant VBA left me dumb? Would be a nice anti-MS or anti-VB story, but no. My syntax and vocab memory of other languages is poor, but my semantic understanding remains strong. It's always beautiful to be able to do the things that the VB6 family just didn't do well in more modern languages. I love VBA for what I can make it do to Excel, because it genuinely impresses people, but it's object model implementation isn't a lot of fun a lot of the time. I tried a bit of primitive AJAX earlier in the week to see just how hard this was. Conclusion seems to be that it's not that hard but somehow i've ballsed up my first real non-stolen attempt to the point where the background httpd request isn't being made, even though the console reports no problems and all code around that statement is being executed. I'll come back to that - it's useful stuff to know, and I can't see being able to talk about having web dev skills anymore without being able to do this stuff. It's not just there because it's flashy - it's a much cleaner way of doing things, if more complicated. It's really quite impressive the way in which it was forged together to suddenly start appearing in browsers one day several years ago.

6. I will find the time to manage a 3 times a week exercise schedule. Why? Much like the eating, it's about long term health gains and short term physical gain. Lose a little weight. Tone up a bit.

I haven't done any specific exercise since I wrote this last Sunday. Doover.

2008 #41 - Reconnecting Day 3 - Post Now Final

Day 1

Reconnecting with the goals? Maybe. Let's see.

1. I will stick to my weekday food and drink ethic as set out previously plus consider the portion size of every meal, cutting back where necessary. Why? Long term I want to be in good health, and short to long term I want to weigh at best less, but certainly not more than I do now.

The portion size is pretty well under control. It may have jumped up a little since I first changed this rule, but I found my meals were getting so small I was feeling a little too hungry later in the evening. I currently have no issue with my meal portions. Last week was a fairly good example of sticking to the workday food ethic. I average about a snack a week now. I'd be lying if I said I had any intention of changing that. I don't want to. If it was an every day thing, it'd be a problem, but it's not. It's a treat to boost my energy. A reward for a good morning's work. The drink ethic has slipped. I started that one because the machines at work show calorie counts of the drinks. Coffee is rather high, although I think that's mostly the milk powder in it. The idea was to stick to two of those a day, and have two teas also, which had a much lower count. At the moment I am finding myself having an extra coffee in the morning, but some days missing a drink in the afternoon, though that's normally tea. I do still have the peppermint teabags but I can't drink the stuff too much or it gets very dull. The extra caffeine intake is actually useful though. For a while I was suffering most days with drivers delirium. I didn't have any genuine near misses but I certainly rumbled over lane boundaries a few times. I am at least more alert with a little more caffeine inside. It may seem like cheating, but I'm going to relax this. The whole rule will be a little more general, focussed on moderation.

To the why: Good long term health and no short or long term weight gain. This I still believe in and I do believe this overall goal, whilst badly written, has contributed to nine months without weight gain.

How do I want to take this one forward?

1. I will eat in moderation at all routine meals. The majority of my meals will be essentially healthy. When I snack or overindulge, I will specifically redress the balance later. I will also drink caffeine based drinks in moderation. At the end of a week, if I feel my intake has been too high, the goal has not been met, and I will state this.

Day 2

What a fucking horrible day. I wake up after a good nights sleep to find some arsehole has broken my entire drives side wing mirror off my car. This cost me £170 and a day on the train people. This of course leads my mind to the possibility that it might be personal, not least because there was some evidence that the other mirror was also hit, but not broken, and it was just my car, nobody elses. It's a helpless feeling. Somebody can do this, no chance of any consequences, too small for insurance but too big to be trivial. Certainly too big to have to do more than once, but what if I wake up to the same sight tomorrow morning? What the fuck can I do? Am I going to have to get into the "must move today" mindset for the cunting second time in two months?

Weighted against certain other problems (not people losing their houses - that's their stupid fault) this perhaps seems trivial, but when half a months rent disappears overnight it's not. I'm not violent by nature but I genuinely feel if I met the guy that did this I would feel compelled to kick the shit out of him. Of course then i'd be a criminal. That said, i'd probably also be called a criminal if I marched him to the cashpoint and forced him to enter his pin to withdraw my losses. Another no win situation.

Best case scenario is nothing more happens and after a short time I forget it happened. Even then, it could still happen any time. Could it even be the bad neighbour back for revenge? I think it highly unlikely, but it's not impossible.

2. I will stick to wasting less weekday time playing fake poker. Why? Because time is precious and as much value as I place in entertainment, too much of one type of entertainment should be avoided.

So anyway what the fuck was goal 2? Poker. This is a stupid goal. If I don't waste time playing fake poker I still waste time doing something else. I set myself this goal purely because I was playing this game far too much, like 5-6 games in a night, which is essentially an entire evening. I don't do this anymore, nor do I feel particularly compelled to play more than once, but if I want to play a second game, particularly after the first went by quickly, why not? For the second day running (actually not running, I didn't do this yesterday), it's about moderation.

What to change? It needs to be about time spent entertaining myself. It needs to not just include playing poker, but any game, and probably time spent watching certain types of TV, though perhaps not all TV, such as news, would be relevant. I said this goal was not to disvalue entertainment, but moderate overindulgence in one type. In other words, don't have day long poker, Lost, Heroes, Repton marathons. I don't. By the way if you know what Repton is you still might not know it's available for the PC now. Look up Superior Interactive and try to ignore what the cool kids need in game play now.

2. I will not spent extended periods of time focussed on one form of entertainment. If one form of entertainment has consumed an evening or weekend then I have failed. I will vary it, and ensure that I don't neglect the mind expanding.

Too douschy? Nar.

3. I will take my camera with me whenever I go, or feel i'm likely to go, somewhere i've never been before but only on a night out if there are more than two people involved. Why? So I have some kind of record of where I've been and the people I've known, liked and loved.

I think I already retired this about a week ago. I have already talked about how the above benefits need to be balanced with not missing acutally just being with people due to being the guy with the camera. I am reasonably happy with the kind of occasions I now choose to take my camera. It doesn't need to be a goal.

4. I will stay in touch with my friends weekly and start trying to initiate some weeknight activities. Why? Because spending any extended period of time alone is a terrible idea, and the more you initiate, the less likely that is to happen.

This one does need to be here and it needs to be better. The reasoning is good, as is the recent jolt I was given for not being more communicative (though in this case there is a mitigating factor of a necessarily unbalanced friendship - don't ask).

I'm actually not terrible at this. It's very rarely I don't see some of my friends weekly, it's just that a lot of the time it's the same ones, and the others get neglected. I can't honestly say I feel compelled to talk to all of them - those that i've not been in the vicinity of for 6-7 years now, which is probably more because I have nothing much to talk about right now than it is about them. As much as I do enjoy hearing what people are doing, it tends to be better than what i'm doing, and can annoy me. This sounds pretty pathetic, because it is, and the outcome of taking this attitude is either I offend them for my hangups or they forget me, unaware of, but still due to my hangups. I almost want to make the goal TALK TO PEOPLE. It would serve the point i'm trying to make to myself well, and it's very actionable. Unfortunately these ones, the ones that require a conscious effort and comfort breaking foray are the ones I've watched myself only pay lip service to over the last 10 months, and I don't think shortening it is going to help matters.

I'm definitely losing the bit about weeknight activities. That's too solutioney, and it tries to attack the problem somewhere downstream of the problem itself. Lets say, the problem is a river dam, so we never actually get anywhere near where we want to be. Hows about:

4. I will talk to people. People I know will not feel I am ignoring them. People I don't know will not forever be people I don't know. If they do, or they are, I have failed. Why all this? Because spending any extended period of time alone is a terrible idea, and the more you initiate, the less likely that is to happen.

Day 3

It's taken me almost the entire week to write this in stages, not through lack of time, more through laziness. It is nice to not have to think about all the goals in one sitting though. Might think about that a bit more.

5. I will spend a minimum of two hours every week actively working on my music, and my recording abilities. The exact nature of this is less important, but I will describe how I put the time in here to show it's happening. Why? Because some of the best times I've had in the last few years were band/music related, and lack of natural talent doesn't mean I have no ability. What I have, I want to keep using, at very least so as not to lose it.

This most recent iteration of my most creative goal never really gained traction. I started the year wanting to write something each month. I eventually realised that my creative juices, which I always found a weird expression, don't flow that quickly. I found myself wanting to keep working on something existing rather than be forced into something new. To my credit I have three creations which I absolutely love, but against my original goal I appear to have failed. I changed the goal some time ago to what you see above, a very vague goal of spending x amount of time per week. In this I didn't specify what did and didn't count as working on, rather than just playing music. There is no question, now that I really think about it, that I don't spend 2 hours a week with a guitar in my lap, but is that enough? I think so. I continue to strive to improve and I do this through practice. Does it need to be a goal? It's a little sad, but in reality probably not. It's a hobby, i've eventually accepted, and now I feel more this way about it, I find I enjoy it more. I have been known to get angry when I can't play as well as I know i've played in the past, but I don't think I will any more. I already have recordings that I will be able to go back to later in life and say "i wrote that", "i played the rhythm on that" or even "i mixed that". Does this mean I won't ever record again? Not a chance, but it will be recreation, not personal development.

I need to stop being so diverse about potential direction. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do and experience everything, and in that there are millions of far better examples of such behavior than me, a nearly 28 year old guy that has entered precisely three countries in his life. That said, by having the mindset that any of these goal items (save those on weight loss and exercise) could be a future career path seems nuts, but I think it is what i've been doing for the longest time.

This quote has been rattling around in my mind since I finally saw High Fidelity earlier this year: "I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.". I actually only remebered "options open, that's suicide", the rest fading in my memory, but it absolutely resonates with what I said in the previous paragraph. I cannot continue to say "I don't know what I want to do", and I cannot keep holding myself back from choosing a path out of fear of choosing wrongly, and because it'll mean I won't ever get the opportunity to do something else again.

Music is a passion, an art form and a business, in different measures for different people. For me it's mostly a passion, but i'm going to stop trying to measure how much and just let it be what it is. If I get the opportunity to play with other people again, great. I might even be able to create the opportunity if I really tried, but it's not a priority for me any more.

6. I will continue to work towards my set work goals. Why? Because all career uncertainty aside, if I'm doing something, I'd rather be doing it well, plus it's the only way I will continue to advance in my current career.

This one actually does mean something and this came back to me on Friday afternoon. There is so much wrong with the company I work for, and all big companies. There is so much wrong with smaller companies too, I have no doubt, but I don't experience that personally. I sat and explained to my line manager that my weariness wasn't laziness, just the feeling that I shouldn't be forcing myself to do things I don't want to do or am very uncomfortable with when there's probably somebody else better suited.

A big topic of conversation in recent years has been the cult of the amateur. The notion that everybody can and so really should do everything. In work this translates to everyone being pushed into trying to develop skills that they don't perhaps want or need for the sake of it.

If person A is a natural at skill X and person B has been trained on it but didn't want to be, what was gained in doing the training? They both work for company Y and Y still want A to do X, because A is best at it. B knows roughly how to do X now but it's really not their thing. All X wants to do is play to their strengths, but unfortunately the way to achieve that right now is to acquire skill Z, and Y doesn't want to pay for. Z in my case is some familiarisation with SAP which Y is about to invest millions in, whist X is speaking in front of a room full of school children. I got over my core fear of public speaking (a fate worse that death, statistically, according to Seinfeld over 10 years ago) some time ago, but public speaking isn't something I want to do with any regularity. In this context it has nothing to do with what i'm paid for.

The last few paragraphs are a perfect example of how my mind drifts on work matters. I have so many gripes like this one that I manage to completely forget that i'm well off to be in a job that pays me well. It's been far too easy to think i'm invincible in the company I work for, and I think it's fair to say that compared to a lot of companies, I have higher odds of being able to work there until I retire at 75, but right now is no time to be complacent. If I have to endure a little pain doing things that I don't particularly want to to benefit from being in this job that when applied I am very good at, maybe I should be a little more accepting.

I'm having a very hard time coming up with a development plan at work. This is nothing new but previously I have been willing to, well, lie, agreeing to work towards things I wasn't sure they wanted. This year in being more honest I realised that even when pushed to think about it I'm finding it hard to come up with ideas. Do I aim for the next grade, accepting the management that likely comes with it? Do I aim to be better at my own grade, thus accepting that I won't earn more than I do now? That's hard to swallow, but it's closer to the choice I want to make. The happy medium is doing that in the short term and aim for the next grade more long term...

To achieve this I will have to work harder towards the goals set out. They're quite well thought out and if I meet them I will be doing better in my role. The goal here however shouldn't be limited to the work goals, but the work in general. It's important to me that i'm not wasting my time, and whilst I remain unsure as ever that i'm in the right place, whilst i'm there I simply must be applying myself. I refuse to coast. It will bore the hell out of me.

6. I will apply myself to my work. Why? Because all career uncertainty aside, if I'm doing something, I must be doing it well, plus it's the only way I will continue to advance in my current career.

What's next?

7. I will continue to rethink my career inside and outside my current role weekly. Why? Because in the last year or two I have enjoyed my work less, feel I should be doing something more meaningful to me and others, and don't want to find myself still doing exactly the same thing in five years time.

This has been a pain. Every week I have been asking myself to come up with proof that I have at least thought about my career. If you read some of my more recent weekly posts you'd see at one point I even turned my response to this into a diatribe about the state of the world. This was not the idea, but somehow it became more of a goal to ensure I was using my brain. This is useful too, but it's not the point. What was? Not quite what I wrote when I came up with it, that's for sure.

Have I enjoyed my work less? Sometimes, but not always. Lately i'm fairly happy at work. If anything i'm disappointed with how poorly I seem to be balancing my workload. Is it meaningless? No. This is one of the conclusions I came to when answering to this goal, for which I'm glad. I choose not to get specific, but there is a contribution to a greater good in my work. The company I work for has chosen to become more customer focussed over the last year, which has helped matters a lot, as I think I need to feel a connection to the customer to enjoy my work, and day to day i'm fairly disconnected from them.

Five years time, would it be a bad thing if i'm still doing exactly the same thing? Perhaps, but that's just not going to happen. The organisation is changing, and the work will change with it. Maybe i'll be developing MI for SAP, or maybe the business will decide they don't want to allow that to go on outside of IS. Maybe I'll shift myself into IS. I'm not worried that i'll stagnate presently. This week should provide a turning point, which I'll write about next week. It is, dare I say it, an exciting time. Also turbulent, but the truth is turbulence is more exciting than plain sailing. Hmm. I decided not to say steady water as it would mix plane and boat metaphors, and ended up doing it anyway.

So, the revised version would be...

7. I will continue to rethink my career inside and outside my current role weekly. Why? Because I don't want to find myself realising I am on a career treadmill and nothing more. I must ensure what I do is meaningful to me, and ideally others. This doesn't inherently necessitate change, just frequent consideration.

Last one:

8. I will find the time to manage a 3 times a week exercise schedule. Why? Much like the eating, it's about long term health gains and short term physical gain. Lose a little weight. Tone up a bit.

I was doing quite well for a time. Along with the food and drink goal this one has helped me stay in the same shape this year. Unfortunately this particular cycle I cannot seem to break, and haven't been able to for the longest time. Once in my life I reached a physical peak, having lost the weight from my mid-teenage years when I hit 14 stone. Aged 19 I got back down to 11 stone. 8 years later with only what i'd call minimum effort I am only a stone heavier, and not overweight. I believe I maintain this by being reasonably willing to walk places, but I don't like the shape I have become. Women take on a pear shape and men take on an apple, right? Guess again. I am, I think, becoming a bit of a male pear, and I don't like it.

The problem is partly the effort of exercise, partly the time, partly the convinience and partly the paletability. My lungs don't respond well to intense exercise. It hurts, but that is certainly a fitness thing and could be overcome with regularity. Next excuse. Swimming aside, time isn't really an issue. All cycling takes less time than it feels like it takes. When someone convinced me I needed to cycle 90 minutes to get decent exercise I had real trouble going for so long just because I got so far from home and wondered how it had been under 45 minutes. Convinience is a small issue. Getting the bike out is a bit of a pain. Going to the swimming pool was a bit of a pain, and setting up the weight bench is a pain. None of these are reasons for failure. Paletability is what's killed this goal. It's unpaletable to go cycling on wet roads. It's unpaletable to go back to the same swimming pool and face the same people there each week - I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. The only exercise I didn't find unpaletable was the weights, and I just have no idea why I haven't managed to get back into a routine there.

I said I would manage a 3 times a week schedule of exercise. This really isn't much. A better goal would be not to go a day without some form of exercise, but I know in my heart I won't achieve that with my level of motivation on the act of exercising. I am going to maintain this goal exactly as it was, and hopefully get my performance back to the way it was in the Spring/early Summer period.

The 2008 Manifesto

1. I will eat in moderation at all routine meals. The majority of my meals will be essentially healthy. When I snack or overindulge, I will specifically redress the balance later. I will also drink caffeine based drinks in moderation. At the end of a week, if I feel my intake has been too high, the goal has not been met, and I will state this.

2. I will not spent extended periods of time focussed on one form of entertainment. If one form of entertainment has consumed an evening or weekend then I have failed. I will vary it, and ensure that I don't neglect the mind expanding.

3. I will talk to people. People I know will not feel I am ignoring them. People I don't know will not forever be people I don't know. If they do, or they are, I have failed. Why all this? Because spending any extended period of time alone is a terrible idea, and the more you initiate, the less likely that is to happen.

4. I will apply myself to my work. Why? Because all career uncertainty aside, if I'm doing something, I must be doing it well, plus it's the only way I will continue to advance in my current career.

5. I will continue to rethink my career inside and outside my current role weekly. Why? Because I don't want to find myself realising I am on a career treadmill and nothing more. I must ensure what I do is meaningful to me, and ideally others. This doesn't inherently necessitate change, just frequent consideration.

6. I will find the time to manage a 3 times a week exercise schedule. Why? Much like the eating, it's about long term health gains and short term physical gain. Lose a little weight. Tone up a bit.


--

This must be the longest post I've ever written, and if you read it.. well, you didn't, but I did eventually. I know myself well enough to know i'll read it.

Will these revisions make any difference? Hard to say. I vowed i'd keep this up for the year and I still maintain that. I think I may have trouble forcing myself to continue into next year, but i'll cross that bridge when I come to it. One thing this has achieved is getting me blogging regularly, which was definitely something I wanted to do. If after week 52 I don't want to do this type of weekly post anymore, perhaps I may commit to posting on other topics. After all, the inside of my mind are only so interesting.