Chemical Inbalance

It's got to be something like that. The low feeling I have tonight can't just be a result of the events of my day which was largely fine. It's the same feeling i've had on other occasions on which i've written long diatribes about how my life is going nowhere and so forth. A day or two later i'm completely back to normal and I will be this time too, but hey, in the moment be in the moment I suppose.

What's changed? Technically nothing. I seem to have developed a new stupid crutch (I call it that cos using a similar sounding word which better describes it seems so teenage and ridiculous) which is consuming my mind more than makes sense. These things are less fun than they used to be. There was an element of magic to them at a younger age because it was possible to suspend disbelief and think they actually meant something. At this age it's all too apparant that they're more likely manifestations of my own frustration - more about me than the.. crutch.

Problem is I'm lying. I actually do still suspend disbelief. I don't even do it apologetically. I desparately want to believe that there's something to it. Some kind of magnetism. Something more than nothing. Something that many would ascribe to religuous but that I would rather call spiritual. Some meaningful version of "at first sight" but in this case not in any way at first sight. I have to look at it like that because I simply don't know this.. crutch, even quite at the acquaintence level.

And so I sit here listening to Jimmy Eat World songs, very much because they usually sum up my frustration. It's not quite mainstream emo but at the same time it's not far off. Am I suddenly consumed by loneliness? Maybe. I have a lot more space than I used to in this new place and it's not going unnoticed. Do I consider perpetual loneliness? Yes. Do I consider it a problem? Yes. Does it make me want to reach out and grab whatever I can get? Not even a tiny little bit. Do I have too high standards, and therefore high expectations? Probably. Is there any chance i'll get lucky and stumble into something I actually want? Whatever the odds of it I certainly don't do myself any favours in encouraging it lately.

A few hours ago I spoke to a friend on the phone and I mentioned I went for a walk in a particular park. His first question was "who with?". This puts me on the immediate defensive and I felt like screaming. It was as if i'd suddenly through no fault of my own been trapped into admitting that yes, i'm still walking alone.

How to turn this around so it's not just another low end diatribe? Back to the point. The short and sweet points which make so much sense to me when i'm relaxed and calm ellude me when under pressure. In particular, the simple fact that i'm talking about a person here, not some superhuman being. I relate perfectly well to plenty of other people (albeit somewhat awkwardly - i'm under no illusion) so there's no reason I shouldn't be able to do the same here. It's more than a little likely it could melt away in that case, leading me to consider whether I perhaps don't want it to? It's been some time since I was all that excited by anyone new. If i'm clinging to that, I need a better return on the investment cos today it's not working for me.

I now of course realise that the way i've written this calls my sexuality into question, and so I will point out that this is a female crush.. nooo. crutch.

Don't you fucking hate it when people write something, pretend it was a mistake, then next write what they allegedly meant to write as if they couldn't have edited the original? Me too. Things that annoy the crap out of me about other people's writing, tweets and status updates I notice myself doing. Here though I did it to throw a bone to anyone not clever enough to understand what I was talking about, or to view it another way, to ensure that if it wasn't clever enough to be clear it would eventually make sense.

Hey - this helped i'm feeling a bit better. Thanks vast network of people not reading my blog for storing something i'll enjoy reading myself again in a few months.

I started a non anonymous blog a few weeks ago and haven't posted anything on it yet. It's not as easy to be honest when accountable I guess.