2012 - Let's Put a Stop to This

The idea of annual blogging seems ridiculous. As much as I don't feel like I blogged here less this year than I did last year, in fact I posted 12 times in 2011. This is my first and last post of 2012. I think it's fair to say that whatever I found valuable about doing this has ran its course.

So, this is probably the last time I'm going to post here. I'd like to say that all the realisations I've put into words and the solid advice for myself I derived from them has been heeded, but I continue to drift - not unsuccessful, but not what I want to be, not in what I do nor who I am.

I am to blame for my shortcomings, now if not originally, for allowing them to become me.

I'm smart, but not very. I'm good, but not very. Hard working, but not very. Fit, but not very. Ambitious, but not very.

Some random thoughts...

I read a book as a kid about a guy that wins a contest after being hypnotised allowing him to overcome writers block and write a winning entry. The contest prize trip gradually turns into a sinister dystopian nightmare from which he manages to escape, and on a train within the final pages we realise he won't ever reach a destination, as he remains stuck in the original hypnosis.

This story speaks to me somehow, but I can't quite figure out whether i'm still trying to escape or whether i'm already on the train to nowhere.

Let's not fool ourselves though - this is just how I feel right now. Tomorrow i'll feel different.

I read a popular quote yesterday stating that feeling depression (that's not what this post is incidentally) meant living in the past, feeling anxious (nor this) meant living in the future and feeling at peace meant living in the present. It feels a little convenient. The first two are very easy to describe. I can't describe the third - the ideal - at all. Now, i'm smart, but not very, so I should at least be able to tell whether a point is complicated or whether i'm just missing it because of my personal experience, or lack thereof. I don't think I am. I could happily sit all afternoon watching TV. It's the anxiety telling me i'm wasting too much time that stops me doing this. Should I make peace with my wasting time and just accept it or should I strive to do better? Improve? See, it's not a great quote, though it sounds good until you dissect it.

Well, it's been fun talking to nobody for 7 years on and off. I guess... fuck.. am I gonna say it... yeah... the brightest bulb has burned out.

You should all listen to Less than Jake - they're a damn good band.