It's this girl. At 27 it feels stupid saying girl, and it's not as if I don't see this girl as a woman, it's just that.. fuck it, I like the word girl better than the word woman. Some analyst would probably read something into that and I say let them.
Why am I writing this here? Because this is where I decided to write stuff, and after spending the evening in her company, all of this is fresh in my memory. Not clear as such, but perhaps informative enough that on rereading when feeling more awake I may potentially draw some useful conclusions. That's a big "may" though.
I cannot figure out my feelings for this girl. On the surface it looks like a classic unrequited piece of bullshit, and I've certainly been there before, but this is so much harder to understand. There is little question I should move past it, but this is a weird one. It's not persistent. I'll often not see this girl for several months and not think about her that much, but once I do see her again, it all floods back.
We don't really click. This is what hurts me. Why the hell can't I be bright breezy and comfortable with someone i'm supposedly into? Conversation isn't easy. When it's good it's good, but there is no shortage of difficult silences. I have often got on best with girls that want to talk and talk, and this girl isn't that type. She's like me, at least from the outside, but probably from the inside too, which is to say she's comfortable saying nothing if she doesn't feel anything needs to be said. She has no interest in the filler, and neither do I, given I frequently find myself drifting off in the face of boring conversations with all kinds of people day in and day out which simply don't interest me. Unfortunately, much as I hate it, the filler is comforting. It puts me at ease. Around this girl I rarely feel at ease. Bad sign.
I feel more comfortable around just her when it's just her and nobody else. I kid myself that it then becomes easy, when in fact it's still awkward, just a bit less so than when others are around. This is mainly because others will hijack conversations. The two of us usually end up minor players in conversations with big talkers. When it's just the two of us, silences aside, I am capable of keeping a conversation moving. If I can write this much here I can sure as shit do it verbally too.
We have a lot of similarities, but most are borne out of circumstance and I overplay that to mean something it probably doesn't. We are both, it's fair to say, unsure of our lifes paths, in jobs we do but don't love, and when asked what we do with the rest of our time, we both don't quite know what to say. I fucking LOVE that I have those things in common with this girl. That shouldn't go unnoted, because this is a big part of the attraction. This makes her a kindred spirit, and fuck me I need that in my life. On these matters, which unlike most of this post I do get into quite frequently, are feelings shared by so few people I meet and know.
Based on this, I feel myself wanting to have certain types of conversation with her, but they just don't seem to be possible. She is guarded, unlike me. I profess to wish to hide weakness when thinking to myself, but once faced with another person I have an overwhelming urge to be honest about the very same thing I was sure I wanted to hide a few minutes earlier. This is why I find myself talking about shit that will never help my cause, whatever it is i'm trying to achieve. I almost literally mean shit. I have what most people seem to think is IBS, and for some reason i've discussed this at length with her. This is clearly stupid, but then when meeting someone showing sympathy or empathy (in this case empathy, and surprise surprise, this wasn't even offputing from my side), it's hard to hold back.
Next there's the nature of communication. I have a character trait that I've never discussed here, of instigating arguments. I don't know how it comes about but enough people have zeroed in on it that I can't pretend it's not there. With this girl, it's almost automatic, but it's not taken the way it's intended, which is light heartedly. Every time I realise I have annoyed her by taking a tone or a stance it angers me, because i'm unintentionality doing the opposite of my intention. The difference is, and I may be deluded here, is that I enjoy arguing about almost anything at a superficial level, and speak in such a way to start an argument, whilst she claims not to enjoy arguing, but I feel speaks in a similar way which of course leads me to respond in an argumentative fashion. This sounds more sinister than it really is.. When I say argument what I strive for is more debate. I find it exciting, particularly when the person i'm debating with is somebody i'm attracted to...
And i'm certainly attracted. Physically and otherwise. No question there. My unfortunate pussy demeanour means that I pretty much keep this to myself just well enough that I almost kid myself that she has no idea what i'm thinking, when in fact, like every girl in this position, i'm quite sure knows exactly what i'm thinking, and probably always has. I'm in the well known zone. As I get older I feel less and less in good company in this position. Last time it happened to me I was in university and there was another guy right next door having the same problem.
Bottom line. I told a friend that in many ways this girl is my perfect woman. In reality, she's probably not. What bugs me is that she might still actually be, but in true blocking my own shot fashion I always come back to writing it off because it's safer.. easier. Of course it could also be common sense given the lack of reciprocation.
Because of the stupid way I play these games (or my mind does. to say i'm in control would be bullshit), they can take a lot longer and ultimately go unnoticed or largely ignored by the girl.
Am I in love with this girl? No. That's not what this is about. Could I be? Yes. Is the best girl in my life right now? Yeah. Definitely. I had to edit that once I realised it to be true. It originally said "possibly". There simply isn't anyone else anything like her.
What happens now? Nothing much. It continues as it is, but i'll read this again, and it will be useful to me. If it's useful to you, then great. If you find it boring or a little too lame, please do me the service of ignoring it. In the very unlikely event that she ever sees this, then I hope she can see that the positives are with her, and the negatives are caused by me. I'm well aware that i'm the problem here.
G'nite y'all. Note to future self - you shouldn't delete this no matter how much you want to. It's just honesty.
Normal blog resume next.
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