2012 - Let's Put a Stop to This

The idea of annual blogging seems ridiculous. As much as I don't feel like I blogged here less this year than I did last year, in fact I posted 12 times in 2011. This is my first and last post of 2012. I think it's fair to say that whatever I found valuable about doing this has ran its course.

So, this is probably the last time I'm going to post here. I'd like to say that all the realisations I've put into words and the solid advice for myself I derived from them has been heeded, but I continue to drift - not unsuccessful, but not what I want to be, not in what I do nor who I am.

I am to blame for my shortcomings, now if not originally, for allowing them to become me.

I'm smart, but not very. I'm good, but not very. Hard working, but not very. Fit, but not very. Ambitious, but not very.

Some random thoughts...

I read a book as a kid about a guy that wins a contest after being hypnotised allowing him to overcome writers block and write a winning entry. The contest prize trip gradually turns into a sinister dystopian nightmare from which he manages to escape, and on a train within the final pages we realise he won't ever reach a destination, as he remains stuck in the original hypnosis.

This story speaks to me somehow, but I can't quite figure out whether i'm still trying to escape or whether i'm already on the train to nowhere.

Let's not fool ourselves though - this is just how I feel right now. Tomorrow i'll feel different.

I read a popular quote yesterday stating that feeling depression (that's not what this post is incidentally) meant living in the past, feeling anxious (nor this) meant living in the future and feeling at peace meant living in the present. It feels a little convenient. The first two are very easy to describe. I can't describe the third - the ideal - at all. Now, i'm smart, but not very, so I should at least be able to tell whether a point is complicated or whether i'm just missing it because of my personal experience, or lack thereof. I don't think I am. I could happily sit all afternoon watching TV. It's the anxiety telling me i'm wasting too much time that stops me doing this. Should I make peace with my wasting time and just accept it or should I strive to do better? Improve? See, it's not a great quote, though it sounds good until you dissect it.

Well, it's been fun talking to nobody for 7 years on and off. I guess... fuck.. am I gonna say it... yeah... the brightest bulb has burned out.

You should all listen to Less than Jake - they're a damn good band.

2011

Inches. Incremental steps. A life changing event. Call it what you will, but it's comforting to end a year feeling you moved forward.

It's equally uncomfortable to know that the grand achievement you're attributing that forward motion to is ultimately something holding you back from the mystical "thing you should be doing with your life".

Things of note I did this year - saw Jimmy Eat World. Revisited India. Saw Jimmy Eat World again. Applied for and got a new job several levels above my old one. Saw Jimmy Eat World again. Went to the Reading festival, where I saw Jimmy Eat World, again! Moved from Leicester to Birmingham. Went to a wedding in Poland. Bought a motorbike.

For some people this is any year. For me this was a busy year.

I didn't set out to see Jimmy Eat World four times. The first time was the first time i'd seen them at all and was planned months in advance. Great show. Shortly after this they announced a more limited show in which they'd fully perform two fantastic albums. That was unmissable from the description, and unmissable looking back - by far the highlight of the four, and gave me a reason to finally go wandering around London for a day which i'd been meaning to do for years. The next was in Leicester. A band I liked playing Leicester? Hadn't happened since the Lostprophets gig. This was of course a warm up for their Reading gig, which as I was there, I wasn't going to miss. Four shows, no regrets, and on the wider topic, this full album live trend of recent times is one I hope continues and grows.

My second trip to India was fine but uneventful. I missed out on a third trip in August because i'd "deserted" my former job, albeit I was still there until well after the trip date. No bitterness there - my going would have made no sense, but when I see how much more those that did go did with their time outside of work, I can't help wishing i'd pushed myself a little harder not to hole up in the hotel. It was a lone trip, which made it harder, but the Indians are nothing if not good hosts, and had I asked I have no doubt I could have been out doing something every night. My stomach's reaction to the local food doesn't help. I eat Indian food more than any other kind at home, but actual food in India seems to be made with something that disagrees with my insides.

The wedding in Poland was a highlight of the year. An amazing place far more interesting and beautiful than I had imagined. Nobody ever talks about going to Poland and the number of Polish people in the UK had led me to the false impression that it wouldn't be a great place. It is. The stereotypes about Polish weddings are 100% true. You will be forced to drink a lot of Vodka, and if you can't handle it, well, we're back to talking about my insides again. Just before my 31st Birthday I found myself acting like a 15 year old in the park with a bottle of White Lightning.

I've already mentioned Reading, my job and my move in other posts so I won't drag the detail up again. I'm more settled in the work now and feel competent again after a few months of having to fake it. In an aim to become a little more specific about goals i've come to the conclusion that I want to freelance. The biggest challenges I face at the moment are commuting related, and this is something i'd like to change in the medium term. I realise freelancers have to go to offices too, but knowing that I need to get from Birmingham to Warwick every day for the rest of my current job role plays on my mind. I'm fully expecting to relish the warmer rides to work but the winter will come around.

As a senior staff member (that means just below management by the way) and quite a believer in meritocracy, I find it quite hard to swallow that ability/contribution plays no part in policies that dictate, for example, who can and cannot park a car at the office. It seems to me to be a symptom of being a big company to feel that there is a need to maintain that everybody is of equal importance while glossing over the fact that one person makes a far greater contribution than another. It seems to be the belief that pay should be enough to reflect this. Meanwhile two temporary admin staff that live less than a mile away can car share and park at the office whilst if I choose to drive my 30 miles I could find myself facing a 25 minute walk from street parking i'll hopefully find, taking my 2 hour round trip to almost 3. How would I feel if I was the temporary admin staff member? I don't know. I wouldn't drive to work if I lived that near. That's a year-end whine. It sounds unbalanced and elitist and frankly, it probably is, but it's very frustrating to be faced with this problem, which incidentally is caused by government targets. And we're back. I'm not going into why.

So, that's all. As time passes my perspective becomes better as my eyesight appears to get worse. I'm enjoying myself, so i'm not complaining, and as far as possible, not worrying either. As a great comedian recently said, none of this is real.

This is my last year end post, because as i'm sure you're aware, there isn't going to be a 31st December 2012.

Right?

Brain Disease & Harsh but Passionate Girls in Bars (this was not a title to a Panic at the Disco song, but now it has brackets it looks even more so)

I wish I could explain why I can't not worry.

I've thought long and hard about this recently and have to reach the conclusion that it's the one thing that gets in my way the most.

Two days ago I bought a motorbike. The day after tomorrow i'll go to pick it up and ride it home. It's exciting, but all I'm doing is worrying. I have to ride on roads I barely know with 2 hours road experience which happened almost two months ago. The winter gear i've bought won't be warm enough and I won't be able to handle it. Somebody will find a way to steal it from me within a matter of days. Weirdly the thought that I might drop it and kill myself is at the bottom of the list. It's ridiculous.

What will actually happen on Wednesday? I'll get there, look like an inexperienced moron (I am!) and then ride away. I'll likely never see anybody that watched me stutter away again. I'll stutter in the next scene, but again, those people will be gone moments later. I won't have an accident because i'll be being extra cautious. I might get in a few peoples way, but that doesn't really matter. The winter gear i've bought is perfectly good and a lot more expensive than I originally intended. The bike may get stolen, but it probably won't, and if it does, I might manage to make an insurance claim. If I don't, it'd be a bitch, but it wouldn't ruin me.

I won't even enjoy it.

Of course I will. I enjoyed the CBT didn't I?

Every day?

You still enjoy driving don't you?

I suppose.

Take this dumb back and forth between my brain and itself and apply it to practically any non-routine moment in my life. After my recent house move I spent about a week feeling like i'd made a huge mistake. I don't feel that way now. I'm finding life significantly more interesting here than the rut i've left.

Once the moment on which the worry is focused passes, the backward view is always rosy, but I'm tired of only ever enjoying my life in retrospect. Not only do I want to look forward to things in the future - I want to recognise that i'm enjoying myself right now.

I'm just too busy worrying. An act, if it can so be called, that serves absolutely no purpose.

Like any over-analysing prick I can't help but feel other issues are behind this. Probably not the one i'm about to discuss. I have a second thing to talk about and I've edited out a tenuous seg because it just didn't make sense. I'll put three dashes instead. Damn i'm rusty at the writing.

---

I constantly complain (to myself pretty much) that I never manage to meet any interesting people - most specifically women - that deviate from the norm. In this case norm means dead end job and eventual lacklustre marriage. Last weekend I met one that clearly deviates, but I ended up with the whole concept being flipped on me then smashed in my face. She had no idea how to politely say what she meant and was insulting and I for my part reacted badly, but the crux...No, sadly I must be honest - the exact words she used were "you'd be more attractive if you were passionate about what you did". This is something I believe. Not just attractive, but happier, content, calm - all of the good things, yet when someone says this to me all I feel is angry that I've been called on it, because I have no response. I've known for years I needed to do something, but I still don't know what and that's the only excuse I have, which seems pretty invalid. I have vague beliefs that passion can be sucked out of an activity by turning it into work, but not strong ones.

It might have been a mistake to take a new job that was so similar to the previous one. The extra money was a huge incentive for me, but very specifically to be used to further longer term plans. Do I want to quit? No. It's not that I don't enjoy it. I've not being doing it for nearly long enough to be objective yet. It just feels like only half a change at a time when I could have used a full one.

This is a little more candid than I tend to be anymore, and as always is mostly for me to look at in 6 months to decide what i've learned and whether I was right or wrong. I do miss writing more frequently but a symptom of that old rut was a lack of interesting material. Perhaps now there'll be more to say.

So, to wrap it up. Birmingham - yeah, I moved to Birmingham in the end (fucked up isn't it) - I like being here. The new job - too soon to tell, but time enough to admit it could go either way... Or not - I might just miss being the guy mistaken for a genius due to 10 years of industry knowledge and strong technical skills. If that's what it is, that will probably come back in time. It's not real genius anyway. Look at this shoddy writing. Read something I wrote a few years ago. They were much better than this one.

Reading 2011 - My Way

I've just arrived home (ok, a few hours ago now) from the Reading Festival, this being my fourth time. I did 2001, 2002 and 2004, so it's been a long time gone from my calendar.

I have great memories of all three of those years, though it took browsing a Wikipedia page listing past lineups to bring them to mind, not to mention confirm that those were in fact the years that I attended.

What I do find truly shocking is how many bands that I now consider myself a fan of that I didn't see in all three of those years. The only explanation I can find for this is that the larger groups of people I went with in those years wanted to spend a lot of time back at the camp. That was great in it's own sociable way, but I wish I hadn't been so easily beaten by peer pressure back then. This year I entered the Arena at opening time three days in a row, and left with everyone else in the dark. I spent no more than a few hours over three days in total not looking at some kind of act. This is what I want from a festival, though I acknowledge this isn't what everybody wants.

When there's no music of interest there's always something happening at the Alt stage, although it was inaccessible to latecomers for about an hour on Sunday due to some guy named Tim Minchin, who needed a bigger stage, but Reading and Leeds only do one (mostly) non-music stage so it is what it is.

It was heart warming how little the festival has changed in 7 years. Everything is pretty much where it was, though there are differences. The arena definitely seems bigger, the rear now being much more spacious. The large tent that used to belong to Radio 1 now belongs to NME as well and is enormous (the only thing i'll mention that is actually new this year). There's now a lot to be said for playing this stage in preference to the main stage if you're looking to create a darker vibe in daylight, which is there pretty much until the final two acts. Even the Lockup/Dance stage has a decent capacity. It looks like or perhaps is the old Radio 1 stage tent, which used to be an overriding aerial landmark, but has unquestionably been surpassed by the new enormous tent, both internally and from the sky or in the distance from the camps.

The second barrier has been around for years now by all accounts, but it was new to me. When I was last at Reading it was possible to enter the crowd at the rear and push all the way to the stage barrier (rude, though I did do it a lot). The second barrier means to be near the front you must enter the crowd from the front left or right. For smaller acts this means you can stand at the back of the "first" crowd and be quite close, which I like. For bigger acts it didn't seem significantly harder to reach the front, but getting back out from behind that barrier after a set is slow going. I'd say it's just about an improvement to have the second barrier. If nothing else it gives a lot of shorter, weaker people far more options for managing to see... anything.

No festival post should be without a nod to toilets. Reading stopped using portaloos at some point in my 7 year break, switching to open air tanks with cubicles mounted above - we call them long-drops apparently. Having weighed it up, and although it's hard to recall exactly what the portas were like all those years ago, I think I prefer this. Don't misunderstand - I wouldn't camp next to one, but you can always get a toilet. Straight away! Without a queue!! It doesn't contain anything mechanical that can break besides the door lock (which people do break of course - constantly) and the toilet seat, which I suspect women think men lift, but we don't. Why would we touch the thing if we don't have to? It did occur to me that I might be wrong about this, after all, I only have my own actions to draw on, right? Almost, but have you ever heard the oh so funny woman emotionally battering a man for "not putting the toilet seat down after using it" joke? It's inconceivable that every man has suddenly become capable in this area, and of the 15-20 times I used these toilets, I never once found a toilet seat to be up on arrival! We're all pissing mostly through the hole, and a little bit on your, and our, seat. Sorry.

Back in the arena, yes, the festival is clearly in line with trend, and now four fifths indie, but there are plenty of rock acts too, particularly high up the bill where they belong. Also, on the indie side, I may not care about Elbow, but I can happily enjoy the Strokes. Those of us from rock will all have our own indie line, and Reading, for the most part, doesn't cross mine.

The lighting and pyrotechnic element in the darkened second and first bill slots on the main stage were all spectacular, with Muse being the clear winner. I always stand wondering how much input the band themselves actually have into these spectacles. They certainly have a part to play in following direction just to be in the right place at the right time, but the amount of work required behind the stage and behind the desk to pull this stuff off live can't fail to impress me, even if like much of modern technology it's now the expected norm, and therefore not impressive to the masses.

Age range of Reading at this point? It's definitely a lot lower than my age, but as was always the case, there's no shortage of late twenties/early thirties types. They're just rather hard to spot in the sea of teen/early twenties types.

It was a mud bath year. That's a bad thing. The whole experience is a breeze with dry ground. The unforgiving sky pounded the entire site with water throughout Thursday morning, then overnight and at Friday lunch-time. This was the most beautifully ironic timing (I use that wrongly just to reference Alanis, who had similar problems using the term on her wedding day), wetting the mud for the arriving feet of all but the early-bird campers, replenishing the settling squelch for the morning stomp to the arena, then starting up again just in time to ensure the untouched arena itself would also become aforementioned mud bath within an hour of opening, there then being no further significant rain after that for the remainder of the weekend. Wellington boots don't support feet, and my feet don't support themselves. It hurt. Nonetheless, I survived.

I expected this to be my final trip to Reading, but now i'm not sure. This was one of the most enjoyable weekends I've had in recent years, so to write it off as something i'm too old for at 31 when I felt fine about being there at 30 seems like unsound reasoning. I try not to pay too much attention to those quick to write off something based on their own idea of what it should be. For my particular brand of on/off artistic hunger, Reading (and probably Leeds) is right on the money... Although speaking of money, I also wish it still cost £100.

So, some loosely imagined goals were achieved!

I stopped writing down everything I wanted to do on this blog some time ago, because the fact that I wasn't doing a lot of it was depressing. Nothing noble about that. Nonetheless, I promised myself that I wouldn't end 2011 doing exactly what I was doing at the end of 2010, and I won't.

That's not to say that i've realised my independence dreams - they, if anything, are proving harder than ever to visualise. Nonetheless, I have achieved a promotion at work into a similar role with more responsibility in the areas of my strength, some growth opportunities and an entirely new subject matter.

I'll no longer be managing people, which could be a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes I feel that i'm alright with it and other times I feel it entirely counters my personality... even my beliefs. I've got better at it whether I like it or not, to the extent that a few months ago I actually applied to manage a much larger team. I didn't get that though, and though few I think really believe me when I say this, I breathed a sigh of relief, whilst still being slightly envious that a colleague of very similar ability did get the job. The job I now have landed instead is at the same pay grade as that one without the unfortunate need to reapply almost immediately which he now has to go through, so in some ways i've arguably come off better, though i'm confident he'll emerge even on the other side of these hoops after the jumping. He didn't seem interested in my new job either, so I like to think that we've both got what we wanted.

He does however get to continue working in the same office. I now need to be in Warwick on weekdays. It's not the furthest away i've worked by a good ten miles, but the trio of fuel prices, travel time and lack of parking at the new office has forced me to rethink my location. I could perhaps live with the fuel prices given my new salary, but to pay for town parking and then walk over a mile to work after an hour drive every day is no life.

I've weighed up various alternatives and the only ones I find acceptable are living locally, either in Warwick or the extremely nearby Leamington and arriving at work by foot or pedal, or living in an approx 10-15 mile radius and arriving at work on a powered two-wheeler.

I go back and forth on the options. I like the idea of living locally, but I very much dislike the rent in these areas - it's very high, and all of the things that make it high are things I simply don't care about - castle adjacency etc. There comes a point where it would actually be cheaper to commute from Leicester than to pay the rents in Warwick or Leamington. Granted I am looking to trade up a little accommodation-wise, but the bang for buck is still much lower. I like the motorbike/scooter idea because i've been thinking about riding on and off for a while and this would be a great way to get started (the explanation incidentally - I can park these vehicles at work, but not a car).

Next there's the weekend to consider. Here I have my local support network (small as it is these days due to relentless coupling - you know the score). In either of these locales I have nobody, and i'm not naive enough to believe I'm going to find new friends. Adults don't make more friends. Most of them don't want to, and i'd venture that those that are open to it probably don't really get around to it, or kid themselves that they actually want to. This is actually the hardest part of the decision, but I figure I can do the crashing thing when visiting people and as i'll have extra cash perhaps the occasional hotel would be an acceptable expense. I don't think I need to go out drinking every weekend, but then I said this some time ago right here, and fact is I never actually stopped doing it for any extended period.

So, lots to think about, arrange and do. The job doesn't kick in until some time next month and rightly or wrongly i've decided not to move until it's underway so i'll be doing some kind of commute for a while at least. For not the first time in my life i'm also terrified of moving house whilst I'm waiting to receive Reading tickets, though it's unlikely much will kick off before that. I am looking of course and if anything jumps out at me i'll grab it. I've been very shrewd at renting the past few years, and i'm long past living in shit holes. I just hope I don't end up paying 700 a month in rent. It seems like too much.

Cowardly Dead Terrorist Opinion Share Lag

When I woke up hung over or still drunk on Monday morning and read the news, I immediately wrote something. I then decided not to post it, because I didn't expect many people to agree. Thankfully i've since seen every point made here backed by people I respect in all walks of life.

I'm not claiming this is especially insightful - just my thoughts. This isn't a conspiracy theory post either. There are undertones, but that's not the point. I'm happy being generally skeptical whilst it's still just about socially acceptable to do so and so I don't need to spend hours in an argument i'd feel comfortable on either side of.

What bothers me is that I didn't have the balls to post my thoughts straight away. That I need to fix. As for the posssible misuse of "irony", poor English and the general lack of coherence from point to point, just put that down to my being barely awake at the time of writing.

Here it was:---

I don't automatically believe what i'm told.

Many would say that's a good thing, but on a day like today, expressing my opinion becomes a bad idea. I have little to gain, and a fair amount to lose by saying to people I know that I find the timing and nature of today's news to be suspect. I would stake a huge sum on this having happened weeks ago, if not months ago rather than today. I would do this if I believed it happened at all, which I don't. We're in a "show me" world now. Whilst I draw no comparison between Saddam Hussain and Osama Bin Laden as millions of morons wrongly did at various times over the past ten years, we did at least clearly see what happened to the former. It was deeply uncomfortable, but we saw it. There's nothing unconfortable about hearing somebody who maybe did something that killed a relativly miniscule number of Americans ten years ago has been killed in secret and dumped in the ocean. It's beautifully simple. It's also celebrated as a great victory that a fire that was barely burning has been stoked back to life. The almost standard repsponse to this seems to be - good, but now what happens? Something probably will happen. It probably won't have much to do with Al Qaeda, but that's what the news will tell us either way. The real irony of course being that if this terror group did retaliate for the killing of a man that has probably already been dead for half a decade, nobody would be surprised, and would still think that everything happening is right in place where it's supposed to be. Meanwhile, coalition forces continue to die in Afganistan in the war that far fewer people seemed to oppose, because a better war to oppose came along.

I'm clearly way out on a limb here. More simply, before celebrating today and saying that this is a rare occasion that the killing of another human being indeed should be celebrated, consider the number of completely innocent Afghan casualties over ten years. I don't even need to find a number. You know it's nowhere near as low as 3000. Get a sense of proportion. Dead human's isn't only bad if it's YOUR dead humans.

Overreaction

Yesterday's post on Objective C being ha-rrrrrrd was an overreaction. I said I was in a bad mood and I was. I somewhat stand by what I said about it being slow going, but my attitude overall was defeatist. I have returned to Xcode today and had a much more enjoyable time. I wasn't really ready to throw in the towel.

Where i'm having the most trouble seems to be with memory management at the moment. Unlike the standard deep-end newbie that doesn't even know it's an issue, I've read perhaps too much on the topic, and consequently I keep guessing, wrongly it seems, where I need to be retaining.

I think I may need to reread that chapter...

The Awkward IE10

You have to wonder where Microsoft is coming from, dropping Vista support for Internet Explorer 10, when you consider:

1. Every competitive browser happily supports every Windows OS back to XP, and i'd suspect slightly beyond.

2. Vista and Windows 7 come from the same stable. This isn't a Windows 98 vs Windows XP scenario. You have to wonder exactly why Vista is incapable of running the software.

3. The generally accepted feeling, even by Microsoft, that Vista was a failure doesn't change the fact that many that bought a PC circa 2008 are still using Vista. Failure or not, it's out there.

If this is Microsoft's way of asking users to abandon Vista to stay up to date with web technology it's unlikely to work. Windows 7, after initially being priced competitively now costs just the same as previous versions did. Anyone still using Vista now isn't in any hurry to upgrade, nor do they likely have the technical inclination to do so. Should such as person call their £0 an hour friend or family designated IT support contact, that contact has two options:

1. Recommend upgrading to Windows 7. Friend or family member has to spend £80 reluctantly, which subconsciously becomes support contact's fault, plus support contact has to find an hour to install it.

2. Download and install Firefox or Chrome.

This support contact knows what this support contact would do.