2008 #33 - Strange Low

On Saturday night I had one of those nights
I couldn't find anybody interested in doing anything
felt bad about it
then decided to go it alone
at around the time that would have happened
i realised my still dodgy stomach had other plans
clearly it takes time to fully recover from poison

Either way, the feeling was not good
I opened up this very window
and typed a long ramble about myself
extremely negative in nature
and using exactly this format

I didn't post it
nor will I
but I like writing like this
It seems that if you start this way
it eventually starts to get more poetic
even if you aren't trying to achieve that
nice peter does it on his blog
so it's not my idea, but i like it

anyway
during my strange low
i decided that my goals were pointless
i can see why i thought that
but i don't feel that way in the daytime

they are there
perhaps not to get me where I need to be
but to push me in that direction

true, i am not holding myself accountable
and this was the point to begin with
but my year to date has been better
for striving to meet some of these targets

even if it's hard to deny
i'm not making much progress on the wider goals

i don't weight any less that i did in january
the time i don't waste on poker is otherwise wasted
i even accepted i just ain't a photographer
my friends seem more distant than ever right now
i'm just not a very good musician
i am not trying at work. much
and i haven't managed to find a new direction

but

i am overeating less
some wasted time does yield new ideas
i do have some great photos of the year so far
i have a great time with my friends, whenever i see them
theres plenty of evidence that i have musical skill in some areas, if not talent
i have still progressed at work (to be confirmed. 95% sure)
and i am thinking about changing my life. i never did before this year

so it depends on your angle
the point is
i'd rather go with the positive
and keep doing it
rather than abandon the whole idea
giving myself an excuse to wallow
and fester

this week

1. portion control strong.
illness didn't stop me eating
but some of it was cashback (yep, ugh)
some day snacks
mostly due to my forgetfulness

2. played lots of fake poker when ill
and quite a bit more at the weekend
i finally hit a hot streak.
i might finally hit 250k very soon
but if it happens on a weekday (on which i am at work)
it will still be the only game that day

3. no camera action this week

4. a weekend void of human contact
with too little effort made to remedy
this weekend cannot be like the last

5. not much music
unhappy with my skill level
on the guitar
my accuracy when trying to record
is awful
and it makes me feel bad
frustrates me to the point of hitting the desk
with my fist
more than not, something flys off.

6. its now a contest to see if we can literally go
six months without work goals
not that much longer really

7. back to trying to figure out a sideline
something great i can build in my time
whilst working as usual in the daytime
it could be my skills being built on
or it could be an actual thing
hard time deciding what
my mind always goes to some kind of website
but i haven't had a good idea of that nature in ages
and even good ideas are failing right now

8. a week of recovery
or near enough that
i will get back to biking
this week, but not today
i have a banging headache

Will I keep writing like this?
maybe
i do like it
see how i feel
thats it for now