2008 #52 - End of An Accountability Era

So this is it. My final exam. I have about four ideas for how to do this. I could do all four, but the post would be very long, and it's going to be long however I go about it. Maybe i'll just keep going and see where it takes me.

I'd like to explain why I think it's fine to stop doing this. There's nothing noble about it. I am stopping simply because it's not achieving what it originally set out to achieve. It got me blogging more, which was a definite goal, but as far as accountability being the main driver went.. well, it didn't go anywhere.

I would find myself writing about my overindulgence, or lack of exercise on countless occasions. It really didn't make me force myself to behave better. It created the shame, but not enough to drive change, hence it just made me feel slightly less good. Does this mean that sweet denial is better? Of course not. My motivation and procrastination problems are clear and have been since school. Back then only fear drove me to succeed. Nothing ever really replaced that.

I once wrote software. Not huge projects, but bigger than anything i've written outside work in the last ten years. This was a passion thing. Passion things seem to get muted by the inevitable realisation of the small fish-ed-ness that I and most others go though. Back when I coded some absolutely fantastic doors and even a doorkit for RemoteAccess BBS's, I was still a small fish, but the pond was smaller. That was one hell of a niche. My interests now aren't niche, and consequently doing anything impressive is much harder. Why is the song I vowed to finish mixing to perfection in late 2007 still remaining as non-final in late 2008? Because I want it to be impressive. I want it to sound like a polished piece of music that I can play in ten more years and rather than lament the quality, appreciate it having stood the test of time. When I go back and look at my BBS work, it does look impressive. Clearly I put a lot more time and effort into that than I put into my projects now.

Reading the first "2008" post is a good jumping off point. What was the idea behind this, and will I lose anything now that i'm stopping?

Side note - I have written probably 20 of these on my laptop keyboard. I made the stupid mistake of removing the ? key some time ago and unlike another key that once jumped off, i've never managed to reattach it properly. It is very annoying. Unless you absolutely have to, never remove keys from your laptop. There is absolutely a right way to remove and fix these keys, but it's not easy, and the pieces do break!

So, part one said "how do I track progress if I don't record goals"? This was wide of the mark and actually made no sense. I'm not recording the goals, i'm recording what I do in and around trying to meet the goals.

The original list was blurted bullets.. How I drank too much coffee in 2007 and how I'd limit myself... Cutting out the vending machine... Eating loads of fruit... Tuna lunch with alternative pasta... One game of fake poker on a weekday... Watch two films a week, reconsider Blockbuster subscription... Take camera everywhere, don't let a week pass without taking photos... Buy two new work shirts... Review the list every week.... Write a new song every month... Meet existing work goals to reach next grade... Talk to people in positions at work i'd like to be in... Make final decision on whether to pursue management... Commit to three times a week exercise schedule... Research whether I could get similar jobs to mine in other companies... See if there's work I would enjoy away from a computer screen....Decide where to live, make the move... Don't let a week go by without contacting a friend....

One thing I like in reviewing this original list is that nothing surprised me. There's nothing in there that I forgot all about. It all had good reasoning, and a lot of it got done or improved. Some of it improved then fell away.

About a month on from that I shortened, numbered and categorised the goals into easy and challenging. I can't believe I watched Event Horizon in February. That's the first "wow this year flew by" moment I've had this year. Largely, this year felt like a year. In those early days the really difficult goal was writing a monthly song, which was later revised. My grand total of songs created this year is around four, but I love them all. Much rather that than produce another eight that were churned out to fill a quota.

After a weak start on exercising I really got into it for a while. In May I rewrote the goals to include reasoning.. A reminder of why I should care whether I met them or not. That was during the period of eight goals, categories now being gone. Things moved along quite nicely. The summer hit and I took a few short breaks, things started to go downhill.

By September I was admitting the lacking in the reviews in the posts themselves. In early October I vowed to reconnect with the goals and spent three days constructing a thorough review, culminating in a shrink down to six goals that I felt needed the most focus, rewriting (or watering down) those that remained arguably to avoid needlessly denying myself flexibility.

In November I found myself talking of my all year low motivation. Clearly the retooling hadn't changed much. Much like my cycles theory (my favorite post of the year, not a "2008" post) one or two neglected goals were dragging down my opinion on all the goals. Many of them continued to do just fine. This was around the time my commute shrank and life improved. Work was going well, etc etc. Really only the lack of exercise was getting me down. This is pretty much how things have concluded in December.

Let's look at the goals, first those that made it to the end:

1. I will eat in moderation at all routine meals. The majority of my meals will be essentially healthy. When I snack or overindulge, I will specifically redress the balance later. I will also drink caffeine based drinks in moderation. At the end of a week, if I feel my intake has been too high, the goal has not been met, and I will state this.

The majority of meals I eat at home are what I consider healthy, but I could do more. My tendency to cook the same meal over and over again, not just now week after week or month after month, but year after year, is an interesting one. I do like it, but it's not amazingly healthy. Nothing that tastes that good can be that good, nutritionally. I still have the desire to cook more than I do. So much is easy that I don't do. So much that is very easy of course, I do do (hmm). Takeaway happens too often. It's probably fair to say that every takeaway is an overindulgence. I'd like to perhaps get back to a position in which takeaway is a treat rather than a regularity. The only part of this that i'm not worried about is caffeine intake. I do drink coffee at work, and tea at home. They're fuel, and I drink them in moderation. I've tried cutting back to nothing, and I think i'm better off with them in my life. Moderation is key.

2. I will not spent extended periods of time focussed on one form of entertainment. If one form of entertainment has consumed an evening or weekend then I have failed. I will vary it, and ensure that I don't neglect the mind expanding.

This is a very recently updated goal, but it tends to stand for something and sticking to it has largely kept me happier. I have had the last week off work. In that time I have made sure that no two days are entirely similar, even though i've been away from work. It's made it last and it's made it interesting. I'll continue to keep this in mind certainly.

3. I will talk to people. People I know will not feel I am ignoring them. People I don't know will not forever be people I don't know. If they do, or they are, I have failed. Why all this? Because spending any extended period of time alone is a terrible idea, and the more you initiate, the less likely that is to happen.

I remain determined to continue with this. I've been a little better lately but I still need to become more comfortable, as I was a few years ago.

4. I will apply myself to my work. Why? Because all career uncertainty aside, if I'm doing something, I must be doing it well, plus it's the only way I will continue to advance in my current career.

5. I will continue to rethink my career inside and outside my current role weekly. Why? Because I don't want to find myself realising I am on a career treadmill and nothing more. I must ensure what I do is meaningful to me, and ideally others. This doesn't inherently necessitate change, just frequent consideration.

I've never mashed these two together in the past, but they clearly do relate so summarising them together makes sense. My recent enjoyment of my work has made option five less relevant, but the nagging thought that it shouldn't have been so career-centric stays with me. "I will continue to rethink the direction of my life" wasn't specific enough, but it might have got me to think a bit more about making some changes. There are options available to me - sabbaticals and the like, if I want to travel. Now is a bad time, and i'm happy to wait a bit longer, but the risk is I wait forever. I'm gradually filling my home with "stuff". It's mostly not crap. Laptop, TV and guitar are my biggest buys. Each one links into a passion of mine. A piano is, once again, potentially next on my list, and that would be similar. Other items are an amp and speakers, again, with a good founding. Not just stuff for the sake of stuff. Right now I can afford most of what I want, so I buy it. Eventually i'll have everything I want, and then i'll really need to figure out what to do next. The meaning of life isn't earning money to buy stuff. Buying stuff is getting harder also. How does that tie into this goal? Hard to be entirely clear, but the point I suppose is that I could get by earning a lot less money than I do now. I wouldn't be able to buy everything I wanted, but I might be happier doing something else. I still don't know if I've considered this enough, and so I won't stop considering it.

6. I will find the time to manage a 3 times a week exercise schedule. Why? Much like the eating, it's about long term health gains and short term physical gain. Lose a little weight. Tone up a bit.

I've failed on this one, no question. It's probably been my most active year since i've lived alone, but compared to any other year before these last few probably not so. My friend has recently started biking to work about 6 miles away. I used to bike to school 3 miles away. This I did in the bleak of winter. Three days ago I went for a ride with my in ears in my ears and my ears hurt so much from the cold I simply had to remove them. Now even cycling is less paletable, because having the on board entertainment was a huge part of the fun. My weight bench continues to lie dormant in my kitchen. I've been talking of it as if building up to using it for months now. Using it is certainly a good idea. I don't want to rule that out. Long term I need to exercise. Looking at my grandmother, harsh as it is to say it, I don't want to live past 90, but at the same time, I wouldn't mind hitting 70. Kicking the bucket at the optimal moment is a fraught topic which at 28 i'm too young to be thinking too hard about. I suppose the point is, if exercise will get me to 70 but not too far beyond, it's worth doing. If doing what I do now gets me there anyway, which honestly it could, it's still worth it. I do remember being thinner and more toned, and there is associated self esteem. I could do with it.

So, done the basics, done the final goals. How to conclude? We've already talked about the relative success or failure of this project. That's the wrong focus - this is about me, not the method.

It's a year later. Has it been a good year? It's been the most eye opening time of my life, no question. The things that I had accepted would start to change as others around me moved on with their lives cemented themselves this year, though much of that kicked off in 2007. I am now essentially the last hanger on in the old town. I have a small disparate group of local friends, all but one of whom I only see occasionally, and a similar sized group of other friends dotted anywhere between 40 miles away and 2000 miles away. Faced with the realisation that I really don't need to be in Leicester anymore, I now realise that it's the most sensible place to be for work. That was the big event of 2008 for me - Clawing a bit of my life back from commuting. The only way I could shorten the commute now would be to move closer to Hinckley. As you move below the ten mile band, the time gained becomes less significant. It took me almost as long to get across Leicester to work back in 2002 as it does to do the stretch between Leicester and Hinckley now. By no accident, I am ideally poised. I have come to dislike my immediate locality and i'm still thinking of moving, but I doubt i'd move far. I can see a less central location in the future, but not yet. A friend moved to Anstey a while back and whilst his reasoning was very solid, I don't think he finds the living there part as enjoyable as he found the living here.

How about my perpetual singularity? I haven't mentioned that much because it's not something I like to consider too much. Some take big issue with this, very concerned that people need to be paired off. I can't say I disagree with them, but being alone isn't bad for me. Not getting into adult relationships probably is. So much of the relationship dynamic bothers me, but I do crave the intimacy. I'm less convinced now that i've been in the presence of the "perfect woman for me", but i'm quite convinced i've been around any number of strong possibilities. It wouldn't kill me to try a little harder to get them to stick around.

That's the end. That's the longest series of anything i've ever written. Can't say it's a hugely proud feeling, but it's something! Interesting bunch of titles too, all but the first few:

2008 #52 - End of An Accountability Era
2008 #50 - Giraffes
2008 #49 - Still in a Room Without a View
2008 #48 Later With...
2008 #47 - Late, Great.. i already said 2008
2008 #46 - 28
2008 #45 - Doing Stuff I Like
2008 #44 - Saw V
2008 #43 - Inclusion, Diversity, Equality
2008 #42 - My living room is too small...
2008 #41 - Reconnecting Day 3 - Post Now Final
2008 #40 - No
2008 #39 - Quickie
2008 #38 - Weight Lifting
2008 #37 - Mind Racer
2008 #36 - 23 miles around
2008 #35 - Bank holiday comes six times a year
2008 #34 - Late!
2008 #33 - Strange Low
2008 #32 - Who Poisoned Me?
2008 #31 - Back on Track?
2008 #30 - Three Zero.
2008 #29 - What Happened to eBay? Come to think of...
2008 #28 - The Week that Wasn't
2008 #27 -- Ireland
2008 #26 - On Mass
2008 #25 - Quiet One
2008 #24 - Shitstorm
2008 #23 - Short and not so Sweet
2008 #22 - The Barrier to Doing
2008 #21 - Concentration
2008 #20 - Cycling, Unnatural Law and Goals
2008 #19 - Transformation at Home and Work
2008 #18 - More Bullets
2008 #17 - Grounding/Constants
2008 #16 - Bullets
2008 #15 - Resonation: A type of vibration.
2008 #14 - Theorising
2008 #13 - Easter
2008 #12 - Music Spurred by Peer Pressure
2008 #11 - Off the Wagon
2008 #10 - Confused Flat Hunting
2008 #9 - Event Horizon
2008 #8 - tablet talk
2008 #7 - Random Notes of a Cautious Clicker
2008 #6 - Life Nomadic
2008 #5 - It's Just That Simple
2004 #4
2008 #3
2008 #2
2008

I will probably post something tomorrow, but it won't be anything that requires me to commit to writing a weekly post about myself. That's done as of the end of this paragraph. This blog is my random blog again from then on. The 2008 project has been sometimes fun, sometimes a burden, somewhat useful, often useless, motivating, but not enough, and if not life changing, at least helping me keep an eye on myself. To anybody that actually read some or all of this, though it wasn't the point, I thank you, and I hope the fact that I didn't change 100% isn't too dispiriting. That was never going to happen. I like myself too much!